Reasons why you're still single... this is your diet

Fruit Loops do not equal girlfriend. Sorry.

Reasons why you're single... this is the worst thing ever

If this ruins your day... you might be single...

Reasons why you're single... Chone Figgins

The Mariners have lost six straight and just got swept by the Tampa Bay Rays. The poster boy for Seattle's latest woes...

Chone (Should have spelled it Shawn) Figgins.

The guy is hitting .189 and is hitless in his last 19 at-bats. It's still early but the problem is that he's Seattle's leadoff hitter in an already offense-starved lineup.

Considering the money (4 years, $36 million) when do the Mariners do something about this? And why do Angels free agents always tank after they're traded (John Lackey COUGH COUGH)?

Reasons why you're still single... Spiderman envy

You wanted to be Spiderman for Halloween, but couldn't quite squeeze into that Spidey suit. Guess who's getting a girlfriend?

Reasons why you're still single... tattoo or shorts? you decide

I mean I've heard of muffin top. This is more like a three layer cake...

Reasons why you're still single... Sports bar fans

Shouldn't sports bars be a fun place to go to on Sunday? Instead they've become a weird gutter for society's alcoholics too root on their favorite football teams and make complete arses of themselves. There must be something about the NFL when people like these start coming through the sports bar door...

The high five guy
Usually wearing a lime green Seattle Seahawks jersey and about 10 beers in at 11 a.m. in the morning. He trolls around the bar looking for high-fives from complete strangers after big plays... or just at random. If he doesn't get a response he'll scream "BYAAAWWW!!!! Seahawks" as a sort of mating call to find some sort of high-fiving mate.

(Don't high five this guy, try to trip him as he walks by your table)

The clapper
They don't realize they're in a sports bar hundreds of miles away from the game and that the players can't actually hear when they clap. But they continue to clap. And clap. And clap. They clap for big plays. They clap for five-yard penalties. They clap for good commercials. They clap when they get their hot wings. Their clapping is so loud that is warrents that you look around and make sure somebody hasn't fired off a live pistol in the bar.

(Just install the light clapper so this a-hole has to watch the game in the dark)

The loner
Most people go to the sports bar with friends. Not this fellow. He slaps on a jersey and proceeds to be a wolfpack of one at the bar. He leers about making as much noise as possible to get attention and then looks around to see if anyone is paying attention to him. Loud clapping? Screaming? Random "Lets gow HAAAHAAAWWWWKS!" chants. He's got them all. And a drinking problem.

Green Bay Packer fans
Actually these people are awesome. My favorite kind of football fans. God bless them.

Oakland Raiders fans
They usually show up halfway through the game and make more noise than anyone when the Raiders make a big play. However, they actually have no clue who's on the team or the Raiders' record.

The girls who manage to find away to get cleavage out of a football jersey
How the heck does this happen? How?!?!?! It's like supposed to be physically impossible. HOW?!?!

Reasons why you're single... half-marathon show-off guy

Wow, you just finished a half-marathon. Congrats, I'll give you all the credit in the world for doing that as I get winded walking to the fridge. You deserve a pat on the back for being able to run for a kind of long ways.

But don't do this.

Don't finish the half-marathon, shrug your shoulders, make a disapproving grunt and then turn around and continue to run to show off that you're in such good shape you can just keep going.

If you are in that good of shape, just do a full marathon. Nobody cares.

The "extra laps half-marathon" guy is a scourge to those that showed up just to run the 5K fun run, or barely get through a half-marathon. They don't like these show off guys, in fact, they secretly hope that these show off guys roll an ankle.

Reasons why you're single... you want this table

What is this? A one-of-a-kind Eastern Washington National Championship Fooseball Table? Boy, the university sure knows how to milk every penny from us die-hard Eagle fans. They got it right though, because what Eag faithful would not want this beauty?

An EWU student made it as his senior capstone project and it has a current bid of $4,750 with the money benefiting the EWU College of Science, Health and Engineering. While that may be out of my price range, you can go make a bid here.

And if you don't have the money, just play beer pong with red cups. Same thing.

Reasons why you're single... Mariners fans

So the Seattle Mariners' bid for the undefeated season ended last night when they lost to the Oakland A's but no doubt I'm going to hear about how the Seattle Mariners are 2-1 and the Boston Red Sox are 0-3.

And then in five months when the Mariners are staring down a 100-loss season and, I'll take a very satisfying dig at Joe Mariner fan, the same guy that thought signing Griffey was a great idea, the same guy that loves Doug Fister, the same guy that still has his Jose Lopez jersey.

Reasons why you're still single... you like the Seattle Mariners.

Reasons why you're single... high school sports photographer

I can get away with this because I am a high school sports photographer, but at least I have a soul....

You see them on your Facebook. They're the ones with the overly artsy profile pic of some landscape, some silhouette or something just so completely douchey, you want to un-friend them on the spot.

Example: A photo of them taking a photo with their camera.

Then they always constant post quotes from obscure french photographers about "how my camera catches the light of the world" or something stupid like that. Like who comes up with this ass material? You take a photo with a digital camera that does the work for you. Congrats! A mother in Indiana can get the same exact shot as you.

Then you see their website www.overratedphotographyguywebsite.com where he puts up his best work, which wouldn't make it on the back of a newspaper's sport page but to him it's art!

You see him at all the high school games. He's not working for anyone, just "snapping some shots for the parents" and then when they ask him how much they usually charge ridiculous prices for crappy photos that he still claims to own the rights too. He's been doing this for years, taking the same exact kind of long lens action shots that never deviate or never show a different angle.

Yet he considers it art and charges his time for portraits like he's Ansel Adams.

He puts his watermark copyright on every single photo he takes like he's freakin' ESPN, and bristles at the thought of someone using his photo without at least paying 400 dollars for an out of focus photo.

Untalented high school sports photographer, that is why, sir, you are single.

Reasons why you're single... you dressed like this to a Christmas Party

Or even if you dressed like this to a football game... you just look like a douche.

Reasons why you're still single... air freshener

You got up this morning and in an effort to get the stench of stale booze off you, you took the Glade air freshener and sprayed in on yourself. You now smell like new linen.

Reasons why you're a horrible human... volleyball dad

Listen, I get it. Parents like to cheer on their kids. That's completely acceptable and cool. No prob. But don't act like Mr. Volleyball Dad.

This guy breaks down the volleyball game like he's John Madden even though you can tell he knows nothing about the actual game. He waits until the crowd gets quiet before he yells something that's subtly negative towards his kid. Wonderful parenting.

Then the snide comments about the other team starts. Then he starts either sneaking sips of alcohol from his flask or is just going insane because he starts to make noises like "YEAAAAAAAAAHHRHRHRHHH!" and "WOOOOOOOOOHHHHPPPPP!"

Is... that... Howard Dean?

He quirps at the kid like they should be professional athletes and in general makes everyone around him feel very akward.

Good job! Way to be that guy! I'm so glad you were from the other team and I don't have to deal with you on a regular basis.

How to be "that guy" at a wedding

Casey didn't know what he got into when he invited me to be a groomsman. Here's some things I plan to do.

1. Color my hair an obnoxious green color, then slip the hair dye in the brides shampoo.

2. Make inappropriate comments around the parents like "Panty raid!" and "Anyone want to go to a strip club?"

3. Booze. Bring a flask. Give it to the ring bearers.

4. Start a slow clap way too often at the wedding. Probably when somebody starts crying during the speeches.

5. Push the bride in the pool before the wedding. Make sure the pool has that same green dye.

6. Hit on somebody's sister. Preferably on the fence of legality.

7. Refuse to shower starting three days before the wedding.

8. Reverse mohawk.

Reasons why you're still single... this license plate

Not exactly getting the ladies with this one...

Reasons why you're still single... You love Cheetos

"Our state GIS guy sent me these pictures. They’re of his coworker’s chair. Apparently he likes to eat Cheetos at work and then wipe his hands on his chair. This is what happens after years and years of eating Cheetos. I do not recommend this."

... and that is why, Mr. Cheetos Man, you're still single.

Reasons why you're single: Worst Dad Ever

I'm not sure this guy will be getting a card for Father's Day...

Meet Ray Boudreau, of the Harrisburg, Pa. area. He's a youth-baseball coach and father. It seems that Mr. Boudreau (pronounced: Billy Martin) was unhappy his lad got ejected for throwing his helmet after he got thrown out at third. So what did good ole Boudreau do? He punched his nine-year-old in the face. Twice. Allegedly.

Another wonderful story that shows you that some sports parents are insane.

Reasons why you're single... Calgary Flames fan

Yikes... Calgary... do I really have to explain this one?

Reasons why you're single... Mets fan

New York fans don't have a high place in my heart but something tells me that this would be a hard sell for perspective significant others.

Larry Nadelson's arms are covered with tattoo art commemorating the Amazin's -- including the names of about 35 of his favorite players.

His inside right arm shows numbered jerseys belonging to Mike Piazza and Tom Seaver. Gary Carter's name is on Nadelson's left arm, along with K-Rod and a giant foam finger.

"I want to add some more, but I'm running out of room," he said.

Some people spend their money on things like car insurance. This guy apparently thinks outside the box and treats himself like a walking baseball lineup. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is another reason why you're single.

Reasons why you're still single... beach ball guy

You're sitting an enjoying a perfectly good sporting event with a big crowd and this guy shows up. He looks around for ushers. He pulls something out of his pocket. He blows it up.

... and for the next 20 minutes, the game is ruined because this damned beach ball is bouncing in front of you.

What is this? 1994? Beach balls are stadiums are not only outdated but they're also annoying. It's like the wave but less social. And what if I don't want to hit the ball around? Beach ball guy, I hope you die a long, painful death.