Other people that Bill Simmons should piss off

Bill Simmons - my favorite sports writer and podcaster - has apparently ignited a blood feud with Los Angeles Clippers head coach and general manager Mike Dunleavy.

On Colin Cowherd's show yesterday Dunleavy called Simmons "a joke writer" with "no credibility" after the ESPN columnist has repeatedly criticized him and his handling of the Clippers. Simmons called in after the interview and roundly tore into Dunleavy. Since then he's been twittering these gems...

Mike Dunleavy saying someone has no credibility is like Michael Richards calling someone a racist.

1 more joke: Q: "What do you call a coach who decimated 40% of his team's season ticket holders base?" A: "Mike Dunleavy."

Here's a joke: "What do you call an NBA coach who's 194-298 with the Clips?" A: "Still employed!!!" Now that's a funny joke.

This should end nicely. I hope Simmons doesn't make a habit of getting into shouting matches with everybody he criticizes, as the best part of his columns is that he approaches them as a sports fan - not some newspaper columnist looking to stir up controversy.

However, if he's going to keep doing this, here's who he should pick on:

1. William Shatner - Can you imagine that radio interview? "Bill Simmons ... is a... JOKE... writer! Where is... my... scotch?"

2. Clay Bennett - I endorse this one. Bill, take the Oklahoma Thunder's owner to town and make sure he ends up crying somewhere in a back alley.

3. A-rod - What is Rodriguez going to do? Slap at his glove?

4. Magic Johnson - Maybe Simmons would be the first to publicly admit that Johnson is a terrible broadcaster and shouldn't be allowed near a camera. I'd rather have Youppi! analyzing the NBA Finals.

5. Draco from Rocky 4 - Simmons could find a mountain somewhere and scream this guy's name at the top of his lungs.

Meet the new Omsbudsperson of ESPN

According to Deadspin, here is the new Omsbudsperson of ESPN. Now he too can deliver muted criticism of the World Wide Leader, which has so grown so big and maligned that even Yankee fans complain about them from time to time.

Meet broadcaster Don Ohlmeyer, who looks like a cross between Nic Cage from Con Air and a Hockey analyst.

No offense to him, he'll probably be great at his job - which is basically pointing out when Bill Simmons uses a little too much detail describing the prison scenes from The Shawshank Redemption and when Jim Rome is being a little too un-douchebag like for his own good.

Simmons-Reilly 1: The Podcast

If you haven't started listening to Bill Simmons podcast on weekdays at the World Wide Leader, I highly recommend it. It not only rules my daily schedule but he gets some pretty interesting people on that show.

Like today he had a guy on there that apparently went to high school three different times during his life. As in he graduated, and went back to high school twice (once when he was 27). 

And the podcast before that he had Rick Reilly on the show, the former Sports Illustrated columnist who I was convinced that Simmons hated. But apparently they're friends. And they like one another. And they actually make a pretty interesting podcast, especially when Reilly started dogging on his Sports Illustrated.

Which by the way, has the sports magazine drifted into irrevelence if a big name like Reilly jumped ship to go over to ESPN? Are we going to see the slow demise of Sports Illustrated?

Anyways, this makes ESPN not as much fun anymore. I would rather have Simmons (my favorite writer in the world) pissed off at the company, feuding with Reilly and then to end everything with a cage match. But apparently that won't happen.

Stupid company harmony.

Links! Links! Links!

I usually consider myself a person that is in some control of their emotions. The only time (injury, emotionally crushing breakup or death of a relative aside) I've cried has been:

- The Tennessee Titans were bounced by the Baltimore Ravens in the 2000 NFL playoffs.
- 9/11
- Watching Million Dollar Baby, but if you didn't cry during that movie, you have no soul and you should have just gone across the hall and watched Passion of the Christ. If that movie didn't make you cry, than you're probably a robot.
- The first time I listened to Kelly Clarkston's life-changing music.
- The Tennessee Titans losing in 2002 to the Oakland Raiders in the AFC Championship.
-Yankee Aaron Boone's walkoff homer to defeat the Boston Red Sox in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, after fighting with my "Yankee" fan roommate to watch the game instead of "Friends." (Do I really need to explain why I hate Yankee fans or should I bring up the story again when a Yankee fan told me that the 2004 World Series Championship didn't count because they didn't beat New York in the Series... which would be impossible since both teams are in the American League. Don't get me started, don't get me started.)
- Tears of joy winning the 2006 Best of Show at the ACP National Convention in Portland. National Championship for Eastern Washington University.
- The Tennessee Titans losing to the Baltimore Ravens in the 2009 playoffs. WHY?!?!?!

But for some reason, I nearly lost it at work today, reading a Bill Simmons article of all things. Mostly known for his humor articles and "blogging" (Thanks Rick "I don't write anything more than 800 words Reilly), he wrote an article about the death of his dog. And it's a tear jerker. No idea why, but if that doesn't tug at your heartstrings, you shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

Luckily, a story about how tough it is to find a gas station in Tok, Alaska cheered me up. Basically, around those parts, don't let it drop below a quarter of a tank.

Joel Willits of FishBear Sports is also showing of a famous moustache. Check it out.

Former co-worker Lashonna McBride explains the beginning stages of dating, and I've just discovered that showing up to a date in a sweat suit is not reccomended.

And another Northwest politician has some scandal about the possiblility of an underaged love affair. Oh boy.

Alright, well I'm spent.

Jason Whitlock, I finally agree with you

Usually I hate Jason Whitlock's columns because a lot of the positions he takes are completely off base and saying that they were a stretch would be something of an understatement. However, I read his New Years column and there were several parts that rang absolutely true about sports journalism.

Here are the two items I one-hundred percent agree with:

7. If you've ever wondered what makes Bill Simmons the second-best sports columnist working today, check out this column written in November about the death of NFL home-field advantage.

Wow. I've spent the past month obsessing over this column and recommending it to friends in and out of the sports-writing profession. It's brilliant. It combines humor, useful information, analysis, storytelling, original thought and a fan's perspective. It's the best thing I've read on the NFL this year (excluding the NFL Truths).

Simmons gets hammered by many traditional sports writers. They say he doesn't report, writes too long and cracks stale jokes. They're wrong. They're jealous.

If newspapers consistently wrote pieces like the Simmons' piece referenced here, newspaper sports columnist wouldn't be losing their relevance and influence so rapidly.

Traditional sports writers are so caught up in the 1980s and 1990s, Mitch Albom model of overwritten narrative of things we've already seen on television that our industry fails to recognize that the publishing of original ideas is the only thing of value we can consistently offer.

Simmons is a star because he specializes in original thought.

6. Given what I just wrote about Simmons, it's no surprise that I think ESPN wasted 3 million bones on Rick Reilly, whose last original concept was hoodwinking ESPN into giving him a golden parachute from Sports Illustrated, back-page irrelevancy.

Oh, Reilly had his day. He was at the top of the game when he broke news about a Michael Jordan comeback. Reilly's descent began in 2002 when he sanctimoniously asked another grown man (Sammy Sosa) to pee in a cup.

By the time ESPN made it rain on Reilly he was more qualified to work the door at Spearmint Rhino than make more money at the Worldwide Leader than Simmons, Wilbon, Van Pelt and countless others.

Despite the improved platform, his columns create zero buzz and his television commentaries make Mike Lupica seem informed, Jay Mariotti sound clever and Skip Bayless appear genuine.

Please, God, take me tonight and bring me back as a washed-up, 50-something American white man. Only in America.

While sometimes I think Whitlock says things just to piss people off, at least he isn't afraid to do it. The NFL home-field advantage article was an excellent piece by Simmons, and honestly, he's the only one that could write it.

All the other sportswriters are two deeply ingrained into the "haves" of the NFL that they don't even notice that the regular fans are being pushed out. They go to lavish press conferences and are afraid to say anything to inflammatory for fear of burning bridges.

Simmons really doesn't have to worry about that because he doesn't interview anyone. He simply write what he thinks without having to worry about T.O. throwing a tissy fit about it.

And Reilly? Well anytime Simmons has a piece on the web, it's like opening a brand new present. Anytime Reilly writes a column? Well I haven't read one of his ESPN columns yet.

Shouldn't have left SI, buddy.

Thanks Jason! For once I don't totally disagree with you.

O' Canada!

Canadian football fans are better than NFL fans.

So says Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams.

“I know that each town that we went to, including the hometown fans, when you go to a game the people there are true fans,” Williams said today, speaking during a conference call with media from Buffalo and Toronto. “Sometimes, especially in Miami, you get people coming only when you’re winning."

And I think I agree with him. While everyone will be jumping on the running back for his erratic behavior and love with a certain leafy substance about those statements -- ESPN writer Bill Simmons basically said that the regular NFL fans have been moved backed from the field or phased out from stadiums altogether due to rising ticket prices, corporate ticket packages and luxury suites.

"I've attended three Pats games in the Gillette Mausoleum and always felt like I had been transported into a David Lynch movie in which everything looked slightly the same, only it isn't even remotely the same. Throw in the dirty secret that it isn't really fun to attend an NFL game in the 21st century -- the routine of "kickoff, TV timeout, three plays, punt, TV timeout, five plays, field goal, TV timeout, kickoff, TV timeout, someone gets hurt on first down, prolonged TV timeout, three more plays, touchdown, extra point, TV timeout, kickoff, TV timeout" gets old after about 25 minutes..."

After working for a professional baseball franchise, I can tell you that the main goal is to sell season tickets and group tickets to companies because it's more money and it's guaranteed upfront. You can't rely on the walk-up. Baseball is different because there's so many games, you have plenty of seats to accommodate the everyday fan and the company man. However, football is just one game a week meaning that it's a hot ticket sell for a franchise. When you're selling tickets you're (a) going to try and sell to large groups (companies) because that's where the guaranteed big money is and (b) you're going to have higher prices than if you were going to sell it to a bunch of individuals because you only have a few games to charge for and you want to squeeze as much blood out of the rock as you can.

We've heard how bizarre the Super Bowl is because its a mishmash of corporate who's who's attending the game. That's slowly creeping into NFL games as well. When teams played in the Kingdome, Veterans Stadium, Memorial Stadium and the old Soldiers Field -- the glossy corporate types wouldn't be caught dead out in those crowds on namely working class people. That wasn't because they didn't like football, but it was because these stadiums were terrible and the only people that wanted to sit out in the elements to watch these games were working class people.

Now that fan base has been priced out now that all the stadiums and brand spanking new. You've now got a disconnected fanbase that consists of (1) people that have paid a crapload of money for one game so they can just say that they went to the game, (2) people who went to the game because their company bought tickets and (3) in the upper, upper, upper deck, you have the die-hards who had to take a mortgage to pay for season tickets.

The CFL? Well they still play in venerable stadiums where the execs would steer clear of, and factor in the elements (it's cold in Canada) and quality of play that is presented in that league and really the only people who are either from that city or just diehard football fans would attend.

It's actually a throwback to NFL fans 30 years ago. Same type of fans before the corporations took over.

While the CFL may not surpass the popularity of say, hockey, you've got a home crowd at those games that are much more involved in their teams than their Disneyland counterparts of the NFL.

And my practically Canadian friend Jake Rehm would agree.