... everyday, that is. But she has one heck of a reason, which I'm sure to adopt and change slightly when I'm running late to work on some days and don't get the chance to brush my pearly whites.
"Because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery but I do use Listerine and I do floss everyday," she explains. "But I don't brush them every day."
"My lips just slide all over the place....I can't catch up with my mouth," she continues. "I need a little coating...."
Apparently she brushes them just three times a week. Which is fine right? I mean you all have no obligations right? That fills the quota for the week and it conserves water.
I was at the Spokane Indians games yesterday and I noticed a large amount of Mom jeans. Now the promotion of the night was "Go Green" so I doubt that energy saving had much to do with the fashion choice of the fans, unless you got half price for looking frumpy.
Who came up with mom jeans? And who thinks that this sort of fashion actually looks remotely presentable? To your right is Jessica Simpson. By most accounts, guys would say she's an incredibly attractive lady regardless of if she put on a couple extra pounds.
Now give her some mom jeans and now she looks like a before photo in a Jenny Craig commercial.
Yikes! Not exactly the desired effect you want to have with your jeans. The two belts don't really help either.
So please, join me in the campaign to do away with Mom Jeans and stick with either shorts, regular jeans or sweatpants.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go firebomb a Walmart.
I know Patrick Ewing is naturally a big guy, and I know that once you stop playing in the most intense professional basketball league the world has that you're bound to gain a few pounds but geez, Ewing hasn't been that large since Shawn Kemp and him spent a few weekends out on the town in Seattle.
(Insert Shawn Kemp having a billion kids joke here) (Insert joke about Ewing's playing days in Seattle here)
Seriously, he's reaching Jessica Simpson two belts syndrome. Something tells me that Patrick Chewing has had a couple of snicker bars since he retired. I wonder if Charles Barkley and him go to the same gym.
Or Dunkin Doughnuts.
But hey, I still like Ewing, just like I still like Jessica Simpson. Because let's face it, there's plenty of fatter people out there. In fact, just take a trip down to your local Fred Meyers and walk down the chips isle. You'll probably have to turn sideways to get down the isle when "Dungeons and Dragons Grand Wizard and Doritos King" comes waddling down and blots out the sun.
Since I've developed my own spare tire, I really can't talk either. Oh well. So does that mean I can still call Jessica Simpson hot?
(I mean she eats hot dogs and beers with the guys AND played Daisy Duke? That's basically the Chewelah version of the dream woman)
