George Lucas is a terrible old man

This weekend, Star Wars brought in 23 million dollars which would have been a major disappointment if it were a new movie. Instead it's a re-release of arguably the worst Star Wars movie ever made: The Phantom Menace.

This time in 3D. Hooray, I can see that awful podrace sequence and stilted acting in all dimensions! Granted I'll have to wear some greasy pair of glasses that's been worn 100 times before me. But it's Star Wars right?!?!

Come on folks, George Lucas needs to be saved from himself. He dumpster fired the Indiana Jones series with the fourth installment. He destroyed all credibility Star Wars had with the awful Episode I, the laughable Episode II and the "Oh this isn't godawful so if must be awesome" Episode III.

It wouldn't be so bad except we're going to see these prequels re-released in theaters in 3D and then the original Star Wars movies will be released after that. Again. For the umpteenth time, the same Star Wars movies in theaters. La-Dee-Da. Star Wars fans need to be released from their own maker's crazy marketing schemes. 

Here's an idea George, make a new movie, stop re-releasing the same old movies with minor tweaks. I know you're making a butt load of money but at least act like you're trying. You re-released these movies after they were originally run. Then you released the special editions. How many times can you beat on a dead Ewok?

Can't wait in six years when the Platinum Ultra Cool Super Sweet Editions of his six movies hit theaters again that feature more Natalia Portman cleavage or something.

And now can you excuse me, I have to buy a Tie Fighter toy online.

Reasons why you're still single...

You own this t-shirt, which is available online for purchase!

It's also a sign you haven't had a female over since they release Episode I: The Phantom Menace. And that was your cousin...

Epic Video: Classic Star War Kid

This is an internet classic. No editing. No special effects. Just some kid who filmed this in a high school video studio and like an idiot - he left the damn thing on the video computer. Somebody found it, posted it online and a legend was born.

And no... that isn't me. Jerks.

Things that probably should be left in the 1990s

(Bill Romanowski ... can just stay out of the NFL spotlight and the NFL altogether)

Alright, so the 90s were great right? Wonderful decade, lots of great things happened, and we should all be glad that we got the chance to experience it.

Sure, but there are some things we shouldn't get too nostalgic about.

1. Chain Wallets - Was this not the stupidest fad of the 90s. It didn't exactly match up well with the baggy pants that sagged down below your kneecaps. Plus it gave you the same fashion feel as a college freshman wearing his keys with his lanyard sticking out of the pocket. LAAAAME.

2. Sega Saturn - Remember the first kid on the street to get one of these bad boys? Remember how stupid that kid felt when everyone else got an N64 and Playstation?

3. Hale-Bopp - All we got out of that experience was some bad suicide jokes.

4. The Mars Pathfinder - Which apparently made worldwide news for being able to send back roughly one photo every six months. And the photo is of rocks. Of Mars. No Life. Somebody pinch me with the excitement.

5. The Macarena - I think we're still trying to wipe this scourge of a dance off the face of the planet.

6. The rise of Ben Afleck - Who continues to give the Cousin Charlies and Uncle Rickys of the world hope that they one day can overcome an upbringing of douchebaggery and date J-Lo.

7. Soccer moms - We've already covered in this blog how much I hate sports parents. Let me put it this way... these people are the reason that the rest of the world hates America. They spend thousands of dollars on their kids sports, yell and berate them and then brag to their coworkers at work about their kids. All this while running into massive amounts of debt and they just keep doing it. Got to get little Johnny down to the pee wee football tourney in California.

... And yes, I'm blaming sports parents for this new depression.

8. Cordaroids - A little too much 70s for the 90s. Believe me, I know. I had them. And everytime I took a step in them they made a "vvvvt!" noise. Now that's fashion.

9. The Phantom Menace - Still the worst Star Wars movie ever.

10. The Yankees Dynasty - Or as I like to say, a fitting champion for the steroids era. Congrats guys!

Honorable Mention - That guy right up there, Bill Romanowski, who actually ended the career of a teammate when he punched him and crushed the backup tight end's eye socket. Really. Now that's class.