I'm not going to make anymore fat jokes

You really shouldn't call people fat (which I do). You really shouldn't judge people about their weight (which I do). And you really shouldn't make fun of women about their weight (which I do).

Looks like I need to learn a lesson. Apparently one guy did when he called a woman fat during a party. She bit his freakin' ear off.

Flood said three men in their twenties at the party were arguing with the rest of the partygoers as they left around 3 a.m. Then, Flood said, one of the men shouted an insult at Godfrey.

Godfrey allegedly ran half a block, tackled the man and bit off a chunk of his right ear.

Flood said the missing piece of the man's ear was not found, and he would likely require plastic surgery.

Good God. Something tells me that alcohol or drugs may have played a little bit into this. Because if she really was hungry, she would have gone to McDonalds.

Text messages that I would dread getting

"GOOGLE NEWS: Boston's 2004 World Series has been stripped from the team due to inconsistencies in Dave Roberts urine sample. Apparently he was taking steroids intended for Cheetahs."

"Verizon Wireless wants you to pay your phone bill before we break your f------ knees."

"Dude, remember the party last night, you were totally making out with the fattest chick there. I mean, wow, she was a porker. I've seen large women in my day and she definitely takes the... VERIZON WIRELESS CAN ONLY SEND 200 WORD TEXTS..."

"... VERIZON WIRELESS CAN ONLY SEND 200 WORD TEXTS... cake and eats it. Wow. Dude, did you go home with her?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Hello son, we just found your facebook profile and twitter page. We need to talk about your references to the Cleveland Steamer..."

"Hi, you gave me your number last night. Remember me? my name is Chuck."