Arsonist torching green Ford Escorts

If you drive a green 1990s model Ford Escort I have some advice for you: Stay away from Medford, Oregon.

Now this advice may seem strange, but honestly it is for your own good. For you see, there is a arsonist among the streets of Medford targeting green Ford Escorts made in the '90s.

There have been three cases of green Ford Escorts being destroyed by flames in last few weeks. The first instance was on February 2. The victim was a 1992 edition of the car. A flammable liquid was lit near the tire of the car to start the fire.

The next case happened a few weeks later on February 22. This time the victim was a 1993 edition. Someone had broken a window the car and poured the flammable liquid inside.

The most recent case happened just Sunday, March 1. The victim this time was a 1995 model that was burnt in the same method as the second.

Now I have watched my share of crime shows. So I'm going to take a stab at solving this one. Maybe you've seen "Criminal Minds" on CBS.

Welcome to "Criminal Minds: the Just South of North Edition"

First off we need the facts. Here's what we know:

-The person has a thing against '90s green Ford Escorts
-They like fire
-They target cars in Medford, Oregon
-Their attacks are becoming more frequent
-They can afford to buy matches
-And they can afford to buy gas (since that is probably the flammable liquid)

At this point the TV stars usually try to pinpoint the "type" of person they are looking for.

From the information that we know, here is what I have come up with:

-The person starting these fires is female. She was recently dumped by her cheating boyfriend. He happened to drive an early to mid green Ford Escort. He lives in Medford, Oregon. He actually spent all of his money on the car and loved the thing more than he loved her (see the dumb looking "pimped" out car in the photo above). While they were together, he always used the Paris Hilton line of "That's Hot" while talking about his car. She has decided that she will make his car really hot, and by doing so extract her revenge on not just the cheating boyfriend, but the car that she hated so much too.

The first car was his. She burnt it up, just like the plan was. The problem was that her feelings for him didn't go up in smoke like the car. Every time she saw a green '90s Ford Escort her rage built and she knew she had to watch it burn. It now has turned into an addiction.

What we are dealing with here is a woman scorn.

I am sure that I am way off on my profile, but hey, I figure if they can do it on TV I can do it too. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go be like Jackass and roll off the roof in a shopping cart.