Reasons why I'm still single... I don't like the Little League World Series

Apparently I have no soul and am un-American because I do not like the Little League World Series. Is there another athletic event that is so completely overrated, over-hyped, boring to watch on television and of absolute no real athletic value?

... other than the Olympics?

But really, while it's kind of cool that teams come from Mercer Island, WA, the LLWS is just another example of how youth sports has become incredibly bloated and ridiculous. Have you heard or seen some of these parents and coaches at this event? Living vicariously through their children is an understatement... having no life and being a sad pathetic has-been that will burn their kids out on sports before the age of 13 is more like it.

Maybe I'm the only person that thinks this way (judging from the feel-good promos by ESPN, I probably am) but I'd much rather watch SportsCenter than a 12-year old throw a 60 MPH fastball (which is 20 more MPH than my fastest pitch).

Little League Wii

Last night the phone rings. It's Brandon.

"Hey man, what are you doing?" he asks.

And this is a true story. When he called, I was currently icing my right shoulder. All thanks to the Wii.

On Saturday I got a new Wii game. Little League World Series.

You pitch, you throw, you hit, you run bases, you catch. You do it all. With moving around.

I hadn't got a chance to play until last night. I opted for the World Series right away.

I formed my all-star player and then had the option of which team I wanted to play with. I decided that I would be Canada. Go Canada.

My first game, against Japan, went into extra innings. And despite the fact that I switched pitchers in the top of seventh, I (as in me) was still the one throwing the pitches with the Wii remote. I finally won in the 8th, (as 6 is a normal game) with a score of 7-2. I put up 5 runs that inning.

Then, being so gleeful about my win. I decided to play a second game. This time I took on Asia Pacific and again the game went into extra innings. I won 9-8 on a home run by non-other than my look-a-like character.

But I had thrown probably over 200 pitches and my arm was aching. I grabbed the ice packs and had the trainer tape them on my throwing shoulder.

Oh well. Team Canada is currently sitting atop their international bracket with a 2-0 record. And I'll have to make sure I'm ready for tomorrow's game against Europe.

Worst Little League Coach Ever

Casey can no longer accuse me of being the worst possible candidate for a Little League Baseball Coach.

Snohomish County sheriff's deputies were called to one of the players' homes after the boy told his stepfather that his coach had taken him along to break into a shop in Arlington, Okoloko wrote.

The stepfather was angry that an adult would use the boys to commit a crime, and, even worse, "that the adult was his son's baseball coach," Okoloko wrote.

The boy told investigators that [George] Spady's son crawled through a vent on the back side of the shop and unlocked the door for his father. Spady, his son and Spady's nephew then went inside and came out with light fixtures and some other items, according to court documents.

The boy told investigators that Spady yelled at him to go inside and grab more from the shop, and told him to hurry up because he saw a truck drive by, Okoloko wrote.

I don't know what all the fuss is about, I'm sure this was just a team-building activity along the same lines as going out for ice cream or holding a car wash to raise money for uniforms. That is, if they held up the ice cream stand at gunpoint or used the car wash as a front for a car-jacking ring.

Either or, this just goes to show you how much we should actually trust parents/youth sports coaches.

(And if you didn't catch my sarcasm, they're all rat bat freakin' crazy)

Actual things I overhead while watching my cousin's little league game

1. "Hit a grand slam!"
"No stupid, that's basketball!"

2. "Stop rolling down the hill and picking up grass, get a bat, you're on deck! And who gave you a McFlurry during the game?"

3. "Brandon, why are you sitting in a pink chair?" (this was true)

4. "Hey, the ball went through that kid's legs, kind of like that guy in the World Series, what's his name?"

5. "Swing the bat with TWO HANDS! TWO HANDS! Good god! Watch out, bat in the crowd!"

6. "Stop running with your hands in your pockets!"

Little League bails out major league player

Meet Elijah Dukes. By all accounts a nice guy. Meet the Washington Nationals. By all accounts a terrible team. Put those together and you have a player being benched for being late to the ballpark because he was speaking at a Little League function.

Pretty stupid huh? Now the Little Leaguers that Dukes spoke to intend to raise $500, the amount that Dukes was fined for being late.

Washington Nationals outfielder Elijah Dukes was fined $500 and benched for being late to Saturday's home game against Florida.

But he won't pay the fine himself. The Great Falls Little League, where he was speaking prior to the game, says it will pay it for him after a fundraising effort.

"The point is, this guy gave back to our community, and now he's in a hard spot. We need to help him," said Jim Mraz, the Great Falls LL president, according to The Washington Post. "It's not a question of whether this guy can afford the 500 bucks. We're just trying to send a message to our kids: He was here for us. Now we've got to be there for him."

On Saturday, Nationals acting general manager Mike Rizzo and manager Manny Acta decided to fine and bench Dukes because Dukes was late and the appearance was not sponsored by the Nationals. They warned Dukes that if he was late again, he could be sent to the minor leagues.

Although incidentally, being on the Nationals isn't much different from being in the minor leagues so I'm not sure that's exactly a good enough threat. Perhaps they should throw something into the mix like "We're going to sign you to a long-term contact here in Washington, D.C."

That would be enough to cause any player to straighten up and ask for a trade to the Marlins in a hurry.

Unfortunate athletic events in the life of Brandon Hansen

I've had a terrible life as a human being. Along with the lists of most worthless people, I have a spot carved out for me between Mike Brown of FEMA and NBA player Brian Scalabrini.

If one were to write a book about athletic failures of the fullest degree, it would actually just be a chronicle of my life. Lets go down the list...

Seven years old -- Manage to give up the only home run ever hit in T-ball history when manning the mound for the Hansen Logging mites.

Get a custom-made Chicago Cubs hat with my name on the side. For the next 16 years I never get the thing dirty.

Eight years old -- Move to coach-pitch little league, my batting average immediately plummets below the winning percentage of the Washington Generals.

I quickly become a San Francisco Giants fans because they employ strangely skinny guys with funny moustaches, a physique I hope to someday repeat. However once I reach manhood I realize that those skinny guys with funny moustaches have grown their head to the size of rhino and they shaved the facial hair.

10 years old -- Pitching machine league. Guess who mans the pitching machine?

12 years old -- Player pitch. Guess who moves from the mound to the outfield?

(7th Grade Football) Coach doesn't give me shoulder pads, says that I wont "need them."
He does however, give me a plastic tub of Gatorade and tells me to haul it to the team bus.

7th Grade Football Stats -- one fumble recovery, during the all important "fifth quarter" of the game.

14 years old -- Get paired with the kid that catches a baseball with his chest (and cant afford a glove) during high school baseball tryouts. Needless to say, I wasn't on the squad.

Funny thing, during the tryouts they never let me bat.

15 years old -- Finish my year on JV football with this stateline --140 pounds of weight, 8 games, 1 sack and one four-minute celebration.

(Two encroachment penalties as well)

15 years old (B) -- Max out on my possible bench press amount: part of the set for a high school play that I was doing.

Play stats -- Lenny from Of Mice and Men, some dude in Godspell and numerous one-act plays.

17 years old -- Win my only race in track and field ever. Then I realize my coach signed me up for the Special Olympics.

18 years old -- My snowboarding experience scares small children as they see a large snow ball roll by on the slopes.

20 years old -- A brief stint in college basketball intramurals leads to me earning a reputation of a "hard fouler of girls" among the upper divisions of competition.

22 years old -- I now get winded walking up a small hill with slight grade.

... and I think I just had a small heart attack writing this blog.