New Features at JustSON

Tomorrow, I know many of you will be looking for the Friday Night Lights JustSON edition. But I will be leaving town for the weekend.

The reason:

The forces of JustSON will be uniting. I'm heading east to kick it with Brandon in Spokane/Cheney for the weekend.

With our power combined, that town won't know what hit it.

Also, on an important note, we're going to be starting a new section here at JustSoN. I'm not sure on the name yet, maybe, "Track the Fatty." Or something like that.

For you see, I was once in great shape (aka this summer). But now I've had over an hour commute to work and over an hour commute home from work. So I sit on my butt for 10 - 12 hours a day. Oh, and I eat. So now I look like this guy:


But I just got a new place, so I'll be able to start going to the gym again. Also, I'll be biking to work and the gym. It's time to get in shape.

So this new section will feature yours truly as I get back into shape. I'll update on how the progress is going and hope to motivate some of you readers to get in shape as well.

Look for this new section to be popping up starting November.

Until then, over the mountains I go!

Reasons why you're single: When in the gym you hump a moose

Just South of North runs a reoccurring topic called, "Reasons why you're single." Well, today's event was far to good for just a short post. It got me thinking about all of the people in the gym.

Today I will talk about the reasons most of the people who go to gyms are single. Now I know that doesn't seem right. As in, "I go to the gym to look damn fine for the ladies." And while you may not be single outside of the gym, inside, you're a moron.

Guy 1: When working out always use the weight clamps
I don't know what it is with some guys, but many think that the weight clamps are not manly or something. However, I will tell you what is manly. Not using them, doing squats, loosing your balance, having the weights on one side slide off, which then makes the bar unbalanced causing the weights on the other side to flip and slide off too. All smashing to the ground and breaking a giant mirror on the wall.

Yeah, that's manly. And that is what I saw today.

Use the freaking weight clamps douchebag! It's not that hard. Oh wait, I forgot, you were trying to look cool.

Woman 1: When you go to a gym and think you're hot stuff, you probably aren't
You can spot (or hear) these girls a mile away. The tight clothes, the sports bra top, and the LOUD voice. Because what better way to get all of the people in the gym staring at you then too draw as much attention to yourself as possible? Talking really really loud will do this. And then you can flaunt what your mama gave you. Problem is, the girls that think they have it all, are usually the ones who don't. Yeah, they are usually about a 4. Maybe a 5. (depends on how many miles I had just run and if my vision is blurry because of it)

Guy 2: When performing your lifts, do not make noises like a moose in heat
Yes, you might be lifting a lot. Yes, it is probably heavy. Yes, it is more than most of the people around you can do. No, you do not have to grunt like you're a badass.

Tell me this, if you HAVE to grunt to lift weights, why doesn't everyone do it then? Because you don't have to. I can do my entire workout (yes, that includes lifting heavy weights) without grunting. I might breath heavy, but I don't make noises like I'm pushing out a kidney stone while lifting.

Woman 2: If you don't know how to use the machine, ask someone
Most people in a gym are really nice (minus the examples I've listed on this page) and if you just asked, they will help.

Instead, this lady gets on a machine, doesn't know how to use it. Gets off and waits around for someone else to use the machine. She then studies their every movement. Once they leave, she jumps back on, tries it again. Fails. Then stands to the side and waits for someone else. This repeats for the entire length of the workout. Yeah, feel the burn.

Guy 3: When you lift, bring a towel
This is just common courtesy. You're working out, you're gonna sweat. Yet, there is always the guy who comes in (usually wearing the cut off t-shirt so his pits are really hanging out there) and he sweats like a turkey in November. Everywhere.

He'll get up from the bench press and leave behind a puddle the size of Lake Erie. And of course he has no towel to clean up his leaky skin. He just moves on to the next machine. Which then forces me to walk to the paper towel machine, grab the cleaning spray and wipe up most of the Mississippi that he left on the bench.

Guy 4: When working out, pick a machine. Don't take up a whole area
There are more people in the gym than just you. Pick one machine and do your workout on it, then move to the next. This guy was never taught to share. He takes up seven different lifting areas, claiming the machine with various things he brought. An iPod on the bench press, a towel draped on the incline press, a shoe on the low row machine, a pair of pants on the bicep curl bench, his sweat puddle on the lat pull downs, you get the idea. And then, when you ask to work in, he says he's using all of them and to just wait.

I then move his stuff and use it anyway. Butthead.

Guy 5: Always flexing in the mirror
Now this is fine. It doesn't bother me. If you want to check yourself out, that's fine, be my guest. The problem arises when you stop in front of me (I am using the mirror to check my form during my lift) to flex your triceps, clench your ass and grunt. Get out of my way, you could see I was lifting here. Besides, you're 6'3" and weigh about 140. You're not exactly Mr. Muscle.

Guy 6: If you're listening to your own music, don't sing along
Sure the gym doesn't have the best selection of music, but it sure sounds better than you trying to sing to Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf. Your version sounds more like a seagull choking on a taco. I don't know whether to tell you to shut up or to give you the Heimlich maneuver.

Guy 7: When lifting, always use the correct form
There is nothing more annoying then watching some guy slap on WAY too much weight, grab the lat pull down, and hump his way to 10. You're not doing anything. If you want to lift, then lift right. Don't lift dumb.

Then you get the guy who combines most of these.
The non weight clamp using, moose humping, overly sweaty, singing to Kelly Clarkson guy whose performing the lift wrong. And if you see him in the gym, just go home. Take a day off. After putting up with all these people, you deserve it.

If you fit one of these, then chances are you now have a reason why you're single.

Things I've noticed about gyms

I went to workout at a gym last night for the first time since I developed a beer belly and boy, I'm apparently allergic to exercise.

At least though, I picked a pretty non-descript, non-big corporate gym, so it was a pretty laid back atmosphere. And it wasn't crowded so I didn't have to ask for Joe Sweaty to stop touching my bum.

However, there's something about the nature of gyms that constant throughout.

The loud guy grunting - I understand you're channeling your Chi, but you sound like you're giving birth to a Watermelon.

The guy texting on the bike - That's me! Let's just say I am an expect at the "low impact" workout. Maybe that's why I'm fat. At least I get my socializing done.

The fat person that always seems to be walking around the gym but not actually doing anything - And they've been there for like four hours. I don't get it. Wouldn't you spend your free time in a place that is a little less stinky.

Spray bottles - Nothing like someone fermenting the room with a wonderful aroma of rubbing alcohol.

Cut-off t-shirts - Say hello to the gun show, or in my case, the broken toy water pistol show.

iPods - I seriously do not know how people worked out before the advent of iPods. If mine had a dead battery, I probably wouldn't go work out. If it failed on me halfway through the workout, I'm packing things in.

Funny thing too, never drop your iPod on the treadmill, they tend to shoot backwards.

TVs - They're either showing Sportscenter or the O'Reilly Factor. Why the O'Reilly Factor? To make people feel better about themselves.

Hopefully my gym has a McDonalds in the back.

Epic Video: What's a gym?

In honor of Brandon getting into shape, I figured this would show everyone exactly what he thought a gym was.