Man Card Rules ... Work Shirt

I was this bad work shirt coming from a mile away. I wanted to run and hide... but I wasn't on break. For some reason in the nearly three decades of development for this guy, he hasn't quite figured out that the Garth Brooks dress shirt went out of style... when Garth Brooks went out of style.

It's Spokane, but geez... please... hand over the man card.

Man Card Rules - Jean shorts

Also referred to as shorts - this is a sure-fire way to ensure that you will be a virgin for the rest of your life.

Nothing says I shop at Walmart for everything, I drive a car that's held together with bailing twine and I haven't seen any form of media in ten years to realize that jean shorts have been thrown into the dumpster fire of fashion suckage.

And what is with it being an unwritten rule that jean shorts have to be about four sizes too small so we get to see the full shape-age of a dude's undercarriage? I mean, really? You think that's attractive or something? You think people like that? ARRG.

Just throw your Man Card into the sea and jean it up. Gross.

Man Card Rules - Tight Pants

Remember in high school (circa 1999-2003... god, I'm an old man) when any jeans that were even close to tight were immediately made fun of? There was always that kid, usually me, that had Walmart-bought Wranglers that weren't extremely tight but they didn't have any play in them.

Now tight moose-knuckle jeans are apparently the it thing. I'm going to sound like a grumpy old man but what the hell?

Wranglers seem like parachutes compared to these things and the photo to the right doesn't do justice to just how tight some guys are wearing their jeans these days.

Listen... on women it's fine. On guys? You look like an idiot. When jeans look like they're sprayed onto your legs, it's time to look into a new sense of wardrobe.

If you're wearing anything tighter than Wranglers, please hand over your man card.

Man Card Rules: Talking sports out your butt

I don't expect everyone to know the game of baseball, heck, I'm pretty dumb when it comes to the nuances and specific details of the game (Luckily I have the human encyclopedia of baseball in Dylan Kitzan to reference). Unless you've played the game at a high level, there are things that you simply won't know about the game.

However, don't try to talk baseball out your butt with a "I know what the hell I'm talking about" voice and say this:

"You know, why the heck do they have Ichiro as the leadoff batter? That just doesn't make sense"

Hmmm, apparently Mr. Genius Manager-in-Training would like one of the best leadoff hitters of our generation to bat ninth?

If you don't know the game, don't make dumb statements that not only reveal that you have no idea how the game is played but you're such a blow hard that you have to try and make people think you're smart.

Which you're not. Please, hand over the Man Card.

Man Card Rules: That Video Store Guy

There's nothing wrong with getting some DVDs for the weekend.

But...

When you look like you just came from the bottom of a leaking oil pan, and you peruse the video store for a small mountain of DVDs and place them in your customized video carrier - you might have a problem.

You're a model of constant harassment. Badgering the poor person working at the video store, asking them questions like:

"How's the new Indiana Jones movie, I saw it, but I don't remember it?"

and

"How much to Playstation 3s cost these days, I don't want to spend over three-hundy, already spending enough on my Executive Netflicks Account?"

Who are you? And better yet... who has time to watch 50 DVDs in five days? Please leave your Man Card at the door.

Man Card Rules - That import car guy

Hey nothing against import cars. They're fine (in fact I drive an import car) but you wont exactly see me riding dirty in it.

Here's the thing, if a guy thinks he's hot "you know what" in an import, somebody needs to take keys to the side of his car and take away his man card.

There's nothing wrong with taking care of your car and I know there are many proud import owners out there - BUT - be aware there is "That Import Car Guy" buzzing around the highway as well.

1. Keep a lookout for him at high schools, because at age 24 - he has the pick of the litter at his old high school after his job at the local Jack-in-the-Box allowed him to afford a $15,000 car. The count of illegitimate children is so many that at any given traffic stop he usually gets rear-ended by the fathers of the 15-year old mothers.

2. Got to keep passing people, even if he is on a residential street and there are small children crossing the road. Then he's got to tailgate the nearest car and come crashing into their bumper when a squirrel comes running across the road. Always on the run this man is, from the cops (for the fore mentioned reason above), from the people he crashes into (who needs insurance man) and from his dad (he makes the car payments!)

3. For some reason, he's either wearing Tapout gear or a Yankee hat. Can't explain this except for the fact that I think along with the Yankee hat, he likes to wear Seattle Mariners gear as well since you know, they're at .500 at the moment.

4. He doesn't quite know what that ticking noise from his engine is from, but who cares?!?! He's revving that thing up the entire way so the valves are a floatin'

5. "Slim Shady" is blaring on the stereo system that was actually stolen from a mom's minivan. That's the only song that is blaring.

6. Neon Lights. Lots of them.

7. He always flashes gang signals out of the window, even though Chewelah, Wash. has no gangs whatsoever and he is certainly not a member of a gang. In fact, he never has touched a gun and tries to avoid staying out past 10 pm unless Rule No. 1 is in play.

8. He's training to be an MMA fighter even though he's 110 pounds and has as much muscle as Kate Moss.

9. His favorite movie is "2 Fast 2 Furious."

10. Just what every you do... make sure you drive as slow as possible in front of this guy just to piss him off.

Man Card Rules: That guy that plays Creed

Nevermind that Creed is a crap band that couldn't hold a candle to Good Charlotte much less a group that actually had some talent. Nevermind everyone of their songs sounds exactly the freakin' same. Nevermind their lead singer sounds like Uncle Jessie from Full House.

Why on earth do guys with guitars insist on playing and singing Creed at the loudest possible volume and latest possible hour? I'm fine if its like Nirvana or Foo Fighters, that stuff is actually cool, Creed makes me want to crawl into the kitchen and jab forks into my eyes.

Scratch that. My ears. Way better than listening to Creed.

If you've done this. Please, hand over your man card.

Man Card Rules: Never wake up in something pink

Unless its totally not yours and you mistakenly put it on in the middle of the night because you couldn't see. And you'd better have a damn good excuse why other people's pink stuff is in your room.

In other words, it better be your significant other. Or you better of had the greatest random hookup experience of you life.

Otherwise, you should probably just stick to the Ninja Turtle stuff.

Man Card Rules: Don't whistle at a woman

Saw this on Huckleberries Online

Whether you’re out for a run or out doing errands, at this time of year clothing tends to be more skin-revealing. You don’t think much of it and then suddenly you’re met with catcalls, whistling, kissing sounds, et cetera when you pass a group of men. When the layers come off, the catcalling increases. What you find is that your summer clothing has become an invitation for men to gawk at you and harass you with inappropriate comments.

While some women might find these “compliments” flattering, most women find them offensive and disrespectful. It makes women feel uncomfortable and sometimes even threatened/Anne-Marije Rook, UI Argonaut.

I commented on the post, saying it was stupid to assume that college guys spend their time whistling at women on campus. Not only is it stupid, but also a practice of stereotyping and basically a practice that isn't very quantifiable nor is it worth being printed. Looks like they needed to fill space in the Argonaut.

Needless to say, I didn't make very many feminist friends with my post.

So I'll try and redeem myself and make this simple statement: Guys, you're an idiot if you whistle at a women. Not only do you look like a complete jackass, but chances are your efforts wont be met with any sort of positive reaction. So do yourself a favor and just go home to your single apartment and enjoy a thrilling episode of "Baywatch."

(However, does anyone find her argument complete illogical "I like to wear skimpier clothing and now every man whistles at me (which is probably pulled from a singular event, but we as the reader cannot judge the frequency of the said whistling), I don't like the attention, it's demeaning and every guy should stop doing it." ... well every guy doesn't whistle, so please don't do the college sin of stereotyping us all)

Man Card Rules: You play softball

Seriously, with injuries like these (WARNING: Extremely graphic, we're talking an exposed skull - no joke), you get two man cards.

Man Card Rules: playing Madden on rookie difficulty

Sometimes I'll bump the difficulty down in preseason games so I can build up my players stats for the real season on Madden, but I'm bumping it down to Pro - not brain-dead Rookie. And once the preseason is over I bump it back up again.

And listen, I'm terrible at Madden. So gawd awful that my 12-year old cousin whoops the crap out of me on the game and does some horrible rendition of the Ocho-Cinco dance. And he doesn't even like sports, I think he's going to become a theatre major in college.

But the Rookie setting?! It's seriously like playing against Art Shell. Your quarterback will have numbers that looked like they came from Arena Football, your running back will set the NFL rushing yards record for a season in just one game. Oh and your defense will sack the quarterback so many times the computer will eventually have to put Jeff George in the game.

And there's always that guy that loves showing off the fact that he can beat the computer 126-0, even though it takes three hours to do it (because the clock doesn't move when you score), and insists on your sitting and watching every single play.

You don't get medals for finishing the beginner rock-climbing course or the Green Circle snowboarding trail. You sure the heck don't get any props for beating the computer on Rookie settings. Turn in the man card.

Man Card Rules: Don't throw your coach under the bus

I like Dwight Howard. A lot.

He's really a lot of fun to watch out on the floor and seems like a nice guy. The kind you could throw back a couple cold ones with and make fun of "The Biggest Loser."

(No that's not a reality TV-show about the New York Knicks)

However, he must of had a major brain fart when he criticized his coach, Ron Jeremy-errrr Stan Van Gundy, for not giving him the ball enough during a game 5 loss to the Boston Celtics.

Howard never once mentioned that his own play may have been at fault when it's pretty obvious that sometimes his offensive game suffers a tad, especially against a tough defensive team like the Celtics.

Now I found this article that basically throws a big bag of douche in Howard's direction:

ESPN.com's John Hollinger has done the math and found that Orlando is pretty good when Howard shoots only 10 times. Says Hollinger:

During the regular season, the Magic were 16-7 when Howard shot 10 field goals or fewer, for a .696 winning percentage that's close to their .720 overall mark.

Also, 10 or fewer shots in a game isn't a rarity for Howard. That happened in 23 of his 79 games, and his season average was 12.4 shots per game.

And the bottom line is that Orlando doesn't win big when Howard fires away. He averaged 12.5 shots in Magic victories and 12.2 in losses.

Man Card Rule - Don't criticize your coach about not getting the ball enough when in reality, you actually hurt your team when you shoot too much. That's just silly.

Still like you though! Especially the commercial you're in with Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley!

Reasons why you're still single: tanning

You head off after work to the tanning salon. While there you not only fake and bake but you also use those stickers to keep a shape of your body pasty white as opposed to tanning all of it.

"Look," you say to your frat buddies, "I have a unicorn on my hip."

"Look," you say to your frat buddies, "I have a dolphin on my thigh."

"Look," you say to your frat buddies, "I have chipmunk on my butt."

Oh, and if you fake tan and you're a dude. Please turn in your man-card.

Man Card Rules: Don't make fun of the man-step

Howie Long, fun guy to watch on the television talk about football, successful Hall of Fame Athlete, dashing good looks and even starred in one of my favorite movies, Firestorm.

That being said, his Chevy commercials are pretty annoying. Basically he puts down other guys for owning trucks with better features that his truck. How the heck does Chevy get off advertising that their truck is better because it has less features? Can someone please explain this to me?

And you know who used a man step? Neil Armstrong... he needed it to get on the moon.

If Howie Long wants to make fun of Neil Armstrong then maybe he needs to find a Chevy truck that will get him to the moon and take a little stroll around one of those craters.

Neil Armstrong... badass. Howie Long... jerk.

Man Card Rules: NFL Blitz instead of Madden

In honor of John Madden retiring, we must take a moment to remember the man that gave us one of the greatest sports games of all time.

Now it's the only NFL football game out there, but back in the day we had some options and still Madden was the best choice because it was realistic and had a fantastic amount of features.

That was, of course, unless you were the booger-eating wrestling fan that enjoyed NFL Blitz - one of the worst bastardizations of the game of football ever. It was like they took NBA Jam, gave them helmets and shoulder pads, turned on the computer assistance so every game was close and dumbed the game down to the point where a green vegetable could operate the controls.

The only kids that liked Blitz were marker-sniffers and Ritalin chompers.

Please, turn your man-card in.

Man Card Rules: Twilight is not an option!

In our everlasting quest to be old farts and the manliest men possible, we're now starting a new section at JustSON called "Man Card Rules."

Our first installment includes the latest vampire movie "Twilight" which is actually based in Forks, WA and has become a phenomenon in terms of popularity.

So much so that apparently kids are starting to emulate what they have read in the books and seen in the movie. Remember the handful of goth kids in high school that walked across the street to smoke. Yeah, now apparently that's becoming rampant.

One kid even went so far as to bite another kid after he saw Twilight. This is just a wonderful direction that we're headed.

Now, Casey has admitted to already liking the movie, and I may be borrowing the movie on DVD and watching it just to see what all the hubbub is about - however - if you're a guy and are actively a Twilight fan (like dressing up or hoping to look like Edward - the main vampire character), please turn in your Man Card.