Things America should do instead of playing World of Warcraft

1. Learn to play soccer so we can actually beat somebody when the World Cup comes around. I'm tired of quaking in my boots when we face Trinidad.

2. Discover some way how we can connect all those exercise machines to power plants and generate electricity. Think about it, America would get thinner and become less dependent on oil.

3. Watch hockey again.

4. Read a little and grasp a basic understanding of the english language so we can stop having "Hotzeechicka23045" log online and say things like "Thatz my girel!" and "Ima hot stuf!"

5. Spend more time perfecting that MySpace shot that shows juuust enough cleavage.

6. Spokie mentoring. Every spokie needs a mentor. Where else are they going to get their drugs?

7. Finally realize that Magic Johnson is the worst tv personality ever.

8. Cribbage anyone?

9. Tell somebody is the US government that all those workers they pay for road construction are taking a little TOO long of coffee breaks. In fact, they actually made you hold the stop sign for a few minutes while they got some joe.

10. Make fun of Tony Romo's ghetto booty.

Celebrity New Years Resolutions

Since everyone pretty much wants 2008 to leave and not wave goodbye, lets run down what celebrities are doing for new years resolutions...

Charles Barkley - Dropping D-Wade from my Top-5 and adding Rodney Stuckey. Also should probably avoid any speakeasys while I'm at it.

Al Gore - Forget American Politics, I'm going to push my agenda of Man-Bear-Pig onto the Church of England now. Woo doggie!

Vladimir Putin - I need to figure out which country I should invade first. Really, Alaska is looking pretty nice at the moment.

George W. Bush - Finish up Halo 3, I've been playing it so much these past couple months I really need to finish up before I have to go back to work with that inauguration thingy.

Gov. Rod Blogojevich - Hmmm, I really need to act like a bigger douchebag.

Brett Favre - To confuse people to no end about whether or not I'm going to retire this off-season.

Tony Romo - To win a Super Bow... oh wait. Nevermind.

Rick Reilly - To finally put an end to Bill Simmons' non-journalist ways. HE'S A BLOGGER! A BLOGGER! Meanwhile, I'm an 800-word quirky story stud. NOT A BLOGGER. BILL SIMMONS IS A BLOGGER!