Club Walmart

The other day Brandon was talking about this sweet new club in Polson. Club Walmart. And how amazing the women there were.

Now I thought that it was strange that a night club was called "Club Walmart" but I figured, "good for Brandon getting out there and shaking his groove thing."

Then I heard the following song. Now I must call and have a LONG talk with Brandon.

I believe we've found the biggest threat to mankind

I'm pretty sure Casey has seen one of these things out in the wild, but never in it's natural environment of Walmart. Found this on People of Walmart.

Don't mess with a Chinese Walmart

I've long made fun of Walmart for it's white trashness, but the occasionally shirtless trailer troll is nothing compared to Chinese Walmarts - where a woman was beaten to death by employees for shoplifting.

BEIJING — A woman in eastern China was allegedly beaten to death by five employees of a Wal-Mart store who accused her of shoplifting, a police report and state media said Tuesday.

Police have arrested two employees from the store in Jiangxi province, while three others are being investigated, Jingdezhen city police said in a report on their website.

According to the report, the woman was beaten outside her home near the Wal-Mart on August 30 and died in a city hospital on Wednesday last week from injuries suffered during the beating.

Ladies and gentlemen China! Where not only will you get asthma for visiting the place, and you'll have to give up all your human rights, but now you'll get the everliving crap beat out of you for snagging something from the $5 DVD bin.

This cracks me up because you always hear people around Eastern Washington (who wear trucker hats) saying "Why can't we go back to hanging people, it would make criminals think twice" and "Man, if somebody steals they should get their hand lopped off like in the Middle East" ... which is utterly ridiculous and completely against what this country is all about.

Now if they would of heard about this Walmart story, I'm sure they would have thought twice about saying things like that. It's called a justice system, and apparently it's a lot nicer in the US than it is in China.

Never go in Walmart during the 4th of July

Going to Walmart is like walking through the gates of hell and realizing "why did I think coming here was a good idea?"

And double that feeling the Thursday before the Fourth of July

Not only were thousands of moms and kids tearing through the store like Jurassic Park Raptors, gutting men with their back claw, but they were doing this wearing tube and string tops.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Stabbing sharp objects into my eyes)

But you know when you have a terrible experience at a store and the checker is totally cool? Well I got pretty much the world's best checker - she was upbeat, nice, exactly my age, made a couple of jokes and... allowed me to go throw the 10 Items of Less line with like 12 items. Score.

Anyways, totally made up for the experience and beats the normal Walmart checker that's like either just finishing up smoking a joint or 70 years old.

Reasons why you're still single... Star Trek Movies

You purchased the trilogy set of Star Trek II, III and IV at Walmart with a plan to someday watch them all in succession.

That's close to seven straight hours of Star Trek.

Yep, chances are not only are you still single, but you've probably never had a girlfriend. And your mom taking you to prom does not count.

By the way, Star Trek II's best line:

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

My thought process while shopping at Walmart

Remember in the mid-90s when Wal-Mart didn't seem all that evil. You know, coming into communities and shackling them with their bargain prices and white trash attractiveness. They even had that smiley face commercial thingy, which was almost hypnotic. And since there was nothing to do in the small town of the Chewelah where I grew up., the real big to-do was driving 20 minutes up to Colville and go shopping at Wal-Mart.

Here's an average day in my life, when I go to that store:

Parking Lot -- Crowded, it's always crowded, not clue how many camper trucks can squeeze in here, it's like the clown cars of parking lots. Damn! this lady needs to stop doing to 5 mph speed limit, get going... why do slow drivings always have the most bumber stickets. A spot! yes! Wait... Mizz "I brake for pro-choice and aliens" just slipped into the spot. That's alright, my shopping cart is so going to get shoved into a collision course with her car door by the end of the day.

Front Doors -- No I do not want any campfire cookies, heartless exploiter of children youth groups. Seriously, you can't hold a candle to the chocolate double mint Girl Scout Cookies. Take your ginger snaps and shove them all the way back to the pre-fab factory that made them.

Okay, gonna spend maybe ten dollars in here. All I need is deodorant and a toothbrush, and maybe a $5 DVD. That's a must. HOLY SH** do my eyes deceive me, are those retro versions on Monopoly? What brilliant businessman decided to market this little nugget of joy into my store. Hellllllo hours of enjoyment with friends, and only for $35.99. Sure hope my friends enjoy Monopoly.

Electronics Section -- Ah, five-dollar DVD bin. Now just take one. Wait! Where did these ten people all wearing sweat pants come from. No! I must get in here. I saw a five dollar copy of Blade 3 in there. COME ON! Scoot Over. Okay Blade... you're mine. That's it. WAIT! Is that a copy of Dunston Checks In? Only the greatest Hotel/Primate movie of all time. What a wonderful discovery. Can't believe they sell these for five dollars. Seriously, they must be losing money on this deal.

Women's Clothing -- Hehe, there's photos of women in bras. TeeHee. I'm going to camera phone this and send it to my buddy... WAIT! Is that Michael Phelps Calendar?!??! Why didn't they take these down. My god, this is soooooooooo getting on College Humor. Alright, busting out the camera phone. Wait, what's that? No Ma'am, I'm not taking photos of bras, Ma'am, please put your purse down. Stop using it as a club... owwwwww.

Men's Clothing -- 10 dollar t-shirts, yes. Loooky there, a SpoungeBob Squarepants t-shirt. Score.

Random Aisles -- Nope. Nope. Nope. Not going to get that. Don't need that. WAIT! Is that a throw pillow? Man I don't have one of those. I need a throw pillow. Oh and a place mat for the apartment I'm going to get soon. Oh yes, what place mat should I get, i need one of those thingies.

Behind a person who's white trash -- Boy does Wal-mart sure bring in the White-Trash. Yeppers.

Hunting Section -- CAMO polos?!?! Are you serious. I can wear those to work and no one can see me. I'm putting one on now. Whoops almost had trouble getting it over my mullet.

Magazine Section -- Why... yes I do need 984 tips on how the develop the perfect Fantasy Lacrosse Team. Thank you very much.

Checkout -- Oh man, did I make a stealing here. I owned you Walmart. I OWNED you. Great Bargins. Smart Shopper Right Here. Yep.

Walking out of the Store -- How the hell did I spend 145 dollars on four items.

If Walmart were around in the 1860s, there wouldn't have been a civil war

... because people would have been too busy buying $5 DVDs. Walmart is apparently trying to rectify the problem by proposing a Supercenter near the site where Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant first battled.

Historians are obviously in an uproar.

However, one thing i find interesting is that there's a strip mall already near the site anyways, and and the Walmart would be a whole mile from the actual battle site. And this quote kind of sweetens the pot a little.

"In these economic times, the fact that Wal-Mart wants to come into the county is an economic plus," said R. Mark Johnson, a tire shop owner and chairman of the county's board of supervisors. "This is hardly pristine wilderness we're talking about."

Yeah, in these economic times it's really ballsy to see Walmart do something like this. Is it me or do the people that survey the sites for prospective Walmarts pick the most controversial places possible. I mean you don't hear Kmart or Target setting up shop on an Indian Burial Ground or a wildlife preserve but Walmart seems perfectly happy to do so.

How hard would it be to move the store like five miles down the road just to escape the media poop storm that they'll be getting?

But hey, at least they're building instead of stuffing their money under a mattress.

What is it with Wal-Mart?

Here are some of the headlines that really jumped out at me today. (Yes, one of them even literally jumped)

First off is the story about the scorpion. Everyone knows scorpions are found in deserts, but what about on watermelons. In a Wal-Mart. In West Virgina. Yeah, not so much.

Megan Templeton, a 12 year-old girl was simply picking up a watermelon when a scorpion that was in the bin stung her. Apparently the scorpion had hitched a ride all the way from Mexico. Well, at least riding in watermelons is better than swimming.

Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an ad that featured Rachael Ray. Because she is wearing a black and white patterned scarf that somewhat resembles a grab worn by Arab men. Yeah, when I think terrorist I definitely think Rachael Ray.

In Tampa Bay, Florida, a nude maid is being accused of stealing $40,000 worth of jewelery. Apparently a 50-year-old man hired the maid to clean his house on Friday. She comes in, takes off her dress and works for $100 bucks an hour.

Now the catch is, that when his wife comes home from her trip she notices that a bunch of her jewelry is gone. My thing is, it seems she is more pissed about the jewelry than the fact her husband hired a nude maid to begin with. Well hey, at least the house work got done.

In more news of naked people, some thieves in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia robbed a house. But they did so in only their underwear. Apparently they thieves entered the house wearing only underwear, t-shirts over their faces and they were armed with knifes.

They took money and watches from the family after tying them up. The best thing is the quote from the police captain, "authorities don't know why the suspects were dressed that way." Yeah, I have a feeling the thieves don't either.