Winter in Portlandia

Hope you had a great weekend! This is how we spend our weekends in the Northwest...

(Buy Portlandia Season 1/Season 2 DVD pack HERE)

The Northwest stinks when it comes to food

I love the Northwest. It's the perfect place for me to backpack around in my sandals and talk about how great soccer is and how we need universal healthcare. There's also plenty of Brazilian flute bands and Canadians to give the area a fully-rounded feel to it.

However, when it comes to food, what does the Northwest have? Consider the following regional food designations...

Northeast - Clam Chowder and Dunkin Donuts
South - Everything fried and bad for you
Midwest - Pretty much anything BBQ or involving beer.
Northwest - ??? Starbucks?
The rest of the West - Carl's Jr.

You see the regional crises that we're having? What is the Northwest known for? One guess would be apples, but those are grown and you actually don't do any "cooking" so to speak of.

What does that leave us with?

There's some wineries along the Columbia, making us a bunch of snobs. There's potatoes in Idaho which means we are pretty good in the minds of the Irish. There are goats cows in Montana, but they don't use them for cooking (eww) and there's seafood along the coast, but it's not as well known as seafood from Maine and Alaska (where the crabs are on roids).

It's so depressing, I may just go to McDonalds.

America puts global warming on the back burner

The Pew Research Center just released this study about what Americans think should be the top priority for Barack Obama in 2009. Not surprisingly, the economy and jobs are no. 1 and no. 2 on the list.

Obviously people in this country want to make a living and you know, not get laid off.

However, one surprisingly development is Global Warming is dead last in top priorities for 2009. I guess Al Gore just didn't do enough spreading the word about the evil ManBearPig on South Park.

But really? Dead last. While I'm not one of those doomsayers that thinks we'll be sleeping with the fishes in a couple of years after the eco system completely crashes - heck, I'm suffering through one of the most epic winters Spokane has ever had - but it's pretty obvious that something is happening with our climate and we need to adjust.

However, I mean, we need to figure out what's going on. Problem is that enviormentalism is one of those things where people really lose sight with what's important and go into "we'll show them mode", refuse to compromise or work with companies, government offices and other individuals and then essentially they become a popularist movement full of liberal college hippies. No joke, ask anyone who's a "environmentalist" and they'll tell you they grew up in a suburban middle-class home, enjoy long rides in their Subaru, like hiking at the 3,000 ft. mountain just outside town, marveling at nature in our city zoos and really not having a true understanding or passion for nature.

Really they're doing it because a bunch of other Dashboard Confessional fans are saying the same thing too.

So once things start to rough, namely the economy, people start dropping their recreational feelings really quick. So after all that name-calling, fingerpointing, sit-in protests and bumper stickers, you're telling me that Americans really don't care about the environment.

Oh meanwhile, we're still actually debating if this is just cycle of warming or if we're really screwing up the planet. But oh wait, people can't afford iPods anymore so conservation efforts may have to wait.

Carry on, at least I'm in the Northwest where the biggest natural disaster we have is my morning breath.

Squatch: The True Hollywood Story

Thanks to some rich investors from a state called Oklahoma, a member of the NBA will soon be unemployed.

Squatch, the beloved mascot of the Seattle Supersonics will be forced to find work elsewhere. Cause let’s face it, everybody knows there are no Sasquatches in the mid-west. And seeing as how many people won’t hire a huge, hairy, forest creature, it won’t be easy.

Here’s a look at where Squatch’s future will take him:

The Sonics leave the Northwest for the Midwest. Taking their rookies, their new coach, and their memories with them. Squatch decides to head back to the forests of Mount Rainier. Upon returning to his Bigfoot clan he is shunned by the other Sasquatches, because he broke the Bigfoot Code and befriended humans.Depressed, hungry, and wet (cause it always rains in Washington) Squatch is losing faith. Yet he knows that if the former Expos mascot Youppi! can find work again, he can too.

Due to poor investing, Squatch spends the next few months living in Seattle’s Pioneer Square with the homeless. Eating at soup kitchens, and thinking about the good ol’ days. Shaun Kemp, Gary Payton, Detlef Schrempf and winning. He sighs, and as he pulls the Seattle Times over him to stay warm he notices an ad. “Now hiring mascots for Disneyland.”

The next day Squatch is on his way to California. He crashes on the Rally Monkey’s couch as it’s too expensive for him to find a room. Later that week he is hired to be a yeti on The Matterhorn ride. (Yeti’s are distant relatives to Sasquatches).

As the year passes on, Squatch signs on for what is now the 8th season of Dancing With the Stars. He becomes another former athlete (well kinda) to join the show. After impressing many with his hops, jumps and high-flying moves, he just doesn’t have enough and finishes third.

Taking the money he makes from the show, Squatch heads back up to Washington where he falls under the radar.

That is until FSN does a show on him. Where they discover the former famous mascot of the Sonics has fallen on hard times again, now working as the mascot for the Spokane Community College Sasquatches.
The once proud entertainer of an NBA team now dances for empty bleachers and returns each night to his studio apartment. Alone. All thanks to Clay Bennett and Oklahoma City.

March in the Northwest

If there's a bright and warm center to the universe, the Pacific Northwest is farthest from it.

At least in March.

All spring break, there's been snow. Lots of snow.

Nearly every area of the Northwest reported huge snowfalls Friday night and Saturday morning, with outlying and mountain towns receiving well over a foot.

Mt. Spokane Ski Resort, who just announced that their season would be extended by 1 week, reported 16" of fresh snow overnight, with Schweitzer and Silver Mountain checking in at 15" and 6" respectively.

Road crews worked through the night, Friday, to try to keep the roads open, but blowing and drifting snow caused problems in some areas, including Highway 195 on the Palouse.

In North Idaho, a jack-knifed semi briefly closed the westbound lanes of I90 over the 4th of July Pass on Saturday morning, but State Police said that the bulk of the problems were closer to Coeur d'Alene.

The snow tapered off late Saturday morning for most of the area, but a heavy snow warning was in effect for the Central and Northern Idaho Panhandle through Saturday at 11pm.

You can read the full story here from KXLY. Before heading out into the megapolis of Cheney, Wash. last night for some burgers and beers, I thought I'd enjoy a brisk walk. However I was met with this...

We're a week into "Spring" by the way.

Something you should know about Northwest sports fans...

The NFL is just now getting a taste of the pent-up frustration that Northwest sports fans have been experiencing for years. It's not easy being up here in a far-off corner of the country, basically written off by everyone as part of Canada. You'll hear this often on ESPN...

"(Generally overrated running back who's name rhymes with John Halemzander) doesn't get as much media attention because he's tucked up in the great unknown Northwest, a place that we're pretty sure doesn't have electricity yet. Must be tough for John."

However, if you East Coast pundits, Southern California Yuppies, Midwest Sodbusters and Southern loons should understand is that we're just as passionate and excited about our sports scene as you guys. Consider the following...

1. When you go to a Apple Cup, chances are you're either going to say F*** the Cougs or F*** the Huskies. Why? Because both respective fan sections chant this. At the same time.

2. We still think Warren Moon is a God, and that John Kitna was probably a mistake by God.

3. 116 wins, no World Series. We still wake up in the middle of the night because of this one.

4. If the Super Sonics move to Oklahoma City, Portland will experience a strange surge in the grunge music movement.

...and for the first time in the city's history, it wont be known as Seattle Jr.

5. We hate Kobe.

6. And Jeter.

7. There's this general sense of resentment towards A-rod because he punked out for a bigger contract, but a love towards Ken Griffey Jr. because he punked out of Seattle but ended up experiencing a injury curse of biblical proportions. Seriously, read Job 4:15 "And thalt talented Griffey pinched hiseth testicallas in his jock strappeth."

8. You'll never see so much flannel at a sporting event then in the Northwest.

9. Never stop in Spokane, Wash. with a Portland Pilots T-shirt on.

10. People just don't get drunk at sporting events, like you southern folk like to do and then take it out on farm animals, we get hammered, pass out, wake up the next morning and write "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

God bless the Northwest.