What to do in case of an Alien Invasion

Let's face it, we're the party pad of the universe.

Where else are you going to see someone finish off a keg and then shave their armpit hair for good measure? And don't say WAZZU, because despite the best wishes of Husky fans and the entire Pac-10, the Palouse is actually part of the Planet Earth and not the moon.

However, someone is bound to crash the party. That's right, Alien invasion.
There are way too many lame humanoids out there that don't know how to have a good time, I mean how many times have you seen a good bar on Neptune? It's a large ball of gas, the only thing that would survive on that planet is Rosanne Barr.

So if you want to avoid being vaporized or having a creature burst from your chest, here's a couple things you can do to survive an alien invasion:

1. If there's a wise-cracking, former rapper with a cigar walking around, we suggest you follow him.

2. If you're in the military, try to stay out of the first wave of soldiers in the counter-attack. As Hollywood has shown us, counter-attacks to alien invasions usually lead to a complete butt-whopping of the U.S. military and there's usually something terrible that happens to them (They all get their brains sucked out or are forced to watch the TV series "Joey").

However, if there is a "last chance to save the world" opportunity that is risky, unorthodox and involves an IBM programmer, we suggest you participate in it because it's probably going to work.

3. If it looks cute, its probably going to eat your flesh.

4. The aliens will have shields, they always have shields.

5. Your relatives or friends will somehow survive the initial attack, and despite the city their in being completely wiped out, they'll be fine. You'll need to save them in some sort of heroic fashion though, but they won’t be tough to spot since their the only four people alive in a 500 mile radius.

6. Always sneak in the alien ship and fly it away. Despite the technology being from a different planet, the controls will still resemble that of a Playstation 3.

7. The mothership is the size of Texas but blowing it up in orbit will not cause any debris falling from space, because the explosion was just so cool.

8. Listen to the dorky scientist aid that slept with the president's aid, he knows more that 3,000 scientists working for NASA, the NSA and the FBI.

9. The Aliens are filled with goo, but its great tasting.

10. Everytime you kill an alien you have to make some reference to an Elton John song.