January 31, 2008

Sports fandom increases your risk of a heart attack

You've got to feel sorry for Bears fans, because apparently if you wear clothing sporting that classic "C" logo, you're probably going to cut your life expectancy in half.

According to a German study, sports fans face an increased risk of heart attacks. Who new SNL and Chris Farley were preaching the truth?

But this really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. Step back and think what people do when they actually go and watch sports.

"Hmmm, alright just got to the ballpark, man it's nice to relax after pulling a 40-hour work week, didn't even get a chance to go to the gym. Oh, who am I kidding, I haven't been to the gym since I graduated from college.

Alright well, now I'm walking up the outer concourse to the upper deck because I couldn't afford the $400 field level seats. Boy this is a windy, and long. Man I can barely breath. Oh good, I made it, now I'm kind of hungry, man I think I'll buy some of these hot dogs covered in nacho cheese and stuffed into bacon grease soaked bread. How about a couple of pretzels and that butter-soaked popcorn is looking delicious too. This is going to be good. Yummy!

It was like that time I had a Super Bowl Party and me and my five friends downed eight large pizzas, a 30-bomb of keystones and more hamburgers than a McDonalds franchise. Boy that was fun. Okay, now I'm at my seat and I'm going to yell at the top of my lungs for the next three hours."

It's rather ironic that we're watching physically fit people, but in the process, getting more unfit ourselves. Does anyone actually do anything on Sunday anymore when you have three flat screens all turned to a different football game. No, you have to track your fantasy football team, you can't move from your recliner.

And let's not talk about the stress that watching your team blow it in the playoffs.

January 30, 2008

The Wii Workout

Incase you haven't heard, the Wii is the hottest thing to happen to videogame systems since Pong.

Well, I joined the craze of Wii fanatics and purchased one a while back. I actually had to fend off 14 kids, 7 moms, 2 grandpas and a goat on my way to the cash register at Toys R Us.
For some reason I have always enjoyed track and field.
So when Nintendo came out with Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games, I knew I had to get it. Little did I know what I was getting into.

Day 1: Throwing the game into the system I get ready to play. Two hours later I was ranked 1,251 out of 45,082 in the world. Yet I still sat over four feet behind first place.

Day 2: My shoulders were slightly sore yet I decided to play anyway. Today I won the gold in the 100 meter dash, a silver in rowing against the computer and placed 983 out of 14,256 in the hammer throw.

Day 3: I head for the TV with a slight limp and unable to lift my arms above my head. The constant movement of the remotes (spinning and flicking) have begun to take their toll on me. Yet somehow I manage to place silver in archery, gold in high jump and after the fourth hour still couldn't break the top 5 in long jump.

Day 4: I warm up with a few stretches and jumping jacks. Then I get to work. After 3 hours I have won gold in the 400 meter dash, forth in the 4 x 100 relay and silver in the triple jump. Another day, more sore muscles but more medals too.

Day 5: I lay in bed, unable to move. The constant abuse to my muscles has finally been too much. I finally roll out of bed and crawl to the TV. Refusing to let this system get the best of me, I turn it on. After only 12 minutes my arms feel like putty and I am laying in the middle of the floor on my back. Sweating worse than Mark Mangino at a lobster buffet during the Kansas summer. This round goes to Mario and Sonic. They have beat me.

This game is a better workout than Richard Simmons came out with Disco Sweat. And that is saying something.

Other terrible predictions that Plaxico Burress made

Awww, how cute, the media is making it seem like Giants actually have a chance to beat the Patriots. How nice of them, they're giving New York players hope leading up to a Super Bowl that will probably feature a New England team that will crush every last inch of human spirit in the G-men's body.

At least this new-found swagger has given us this rather entertaining guarantee by Plaxico Burress: A 23-17 Giants' victory.

(roaring laughter from our studio audience here at Just South of North)

I mean, has this guy watched any NFL football this season? Does he think Drew Bledsoe is still the quarterback of the team? You don't guarantee a victory over a team that has quietly gone undefeated and has shown their resolve during tough games more than once.
This is bulletin board material. Did he see how the Steelers' guarantee of victory turned out?

But we've heard that Plaxico Burress has also made some terrible guarantees and predictions in the past. Just take a list at this guys' track record.

- "That Lindsey Lohan is going to grow up to be a real role model for girls."

- "Damn, you want me to invest in a search engine called Google?!?! Google?!? That doesn't even sound like a smart investment."

- "Nirvana isn't going to be a big band, I'm going to stick with Guns and Roses."

- "Steroids isn't a big issue in baseball. I think Barry Bonds just hit the gym like a mad man, and his head growth is probably just from his ego."

- "Enron? Sign me up!"

- "I think that trip to Baghdad in the summer will be wonderful!"

- "Trust me, Wesley Snipes knows what he's doing when he handles finances."

So when you sit down for the Super Bowl on Sunday, be prepared for the biggest smackdown of your life, because the Pats are probably bringing the kitchen sink (and that kitchen sink would probably be Junior Seau's newfound gut).

And don't forget to order the NFL film DVD of the Super Bowl, we hear that they'll be getting behind-the-scenes video of the Giants locker room from the Patriots coaching staff.

January 29, 2008

Something you should know about Northwest sports fans...

The NFL is just now getting a taste of the pent-up frustration that Northwest sports fans have been experiencing for years. It's not easy being up here in a far-off corner of the country, basically written off by everyone as part of Canada. You'll hear this often on ESPN...

"(Generally overrated running back who's name rhymes with John Halemzander) doesn't get as much media attention because he's tucked up in the great unknown Northwest, a place that we're pretty sure doesn't have electricity yet. Must be tough for John."

However, if you East Coast pundits, Southern California Yuppies, Midwest Sodbusters and Southern loons should understand is that we're just as passionate and excited about our sports scene as you guys. Consider the following...

1. When you go to a Apple Cup, chances are you're either going to say F*** the Cougs or F*** the Huskies. Why? Because both respective fan sections chant this. At the same time.

2. We still think Warren Moon is a God, and that John Kitna was probably a mistake by God.

3. 116 wins, no World Series. We still wake up in the middle of the night because of this one.

4. If the Super Sonics move to Oklahoma City, Portland will experience a strange surge in the grunge music movement.

...and for the first time in the city's history, it wont be known as Seattle Jr.

5. We hate Kobe.

6. And Jeter.

7. There's this general sense of resentment towards A-rod because he punked out for a bigger contract, but a love towards Ken Griffey Jr. because he punked out of Seattle but ended up experiencing a injury curse of biblical proportions. Seriously, read Job 4:15 "And thalt talented Griffey pinched hiseth testicallas in his jock strappeth."

8. You'll never see so much flannel at a sporting event then in the Northwest.

9. Never stop in Spokane, Wash. with a Portland Pilots T-shirt on.

10. People just don't get drunk at sporting events, like you southern folk like to do and then take it out on farm animals, we get hammered, pass out, wake up the next morning and write "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

God bless the Northwest.