How to make the Olympics more interesting

The Olympics are lame. Admit it. It's a bunch of sports that are pretty much unwatchable, and to add insult to injury, everything is tape-delayed. It used to be the perfect stage for capitalism vs. communism, good vs. evil and now it's more drugged up than somebody that got their wisdom teeth taken out.

Fear not though, it's possible once again to have an interesting Olympics. They just need to put these events in...

Beer Pong
It would be a dead heat between the Americans and Germans. Light beer would be regulation, causing all Olympic teams to train with Guinness and Mickey's. With this event, how many more college students with drinking problems would then be considered to be "chasing the dream."

Thunderdome
Two men enter, one man leaves.

Hotdog eating contest
Can you imagine the NBC broadcast graphics that would track the puking?

"It looks like Jerry Hanson from Canada has upchucked a record twenty times during these Olympics. No way that was the kind of performance he wanted to put in this year."

Mascot races
Get all the world's best sports mascots and make them run over a moat full of alligators. They actually do this in Iran, so why not make this an actual sport.

Beat the crap out of Richard Simmons
Style points for doing it in a glittery one-piece.

Any other suggestions?

The Wii Workout

Incase you haven't heard, the Wii is the hottest thing to happen to videogame systems since Pong.

Well, I joined the craze of Wii fanatics and purchased one a while back. I actually had to fend off 14 kids, 7 moms, 2 grandpas and a goat on my way to the cash register at Toys R Us.
For some reason I have always enjoyed track and field.
So when Nintendo came out with Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games, I knew I had to get it. Little did I know what I was getting into.

Day 1: Throwing the game into the system I get ready to play. Two hours later I was ranked 1,251 out of 45,082 in the world. Yet I still sat over four feet behind first place.

Day 2: My shoulders were slightly sore yet I decided to play anyway. Today I won the gold in the 100 meter dash, a silver in rowing against the computer and placed 983 out of 14,256 in the hammer throw.

Day 3: I head for the TV with a slight limp and unable to lift my arms above my head. The constant movement of the remotes (spinning and flicking) have begun to take their toll on me. Yet somehow I manage to place silver in archery, gold in high jump and after the fourth hour still couldn't break the top 5 in long jump.

Day 4: I warm up with a few stretches and jumping jacks. Then I get to work. After 3 hours I have won gold in the 400 meter dash, forth in the 4 x 100 relay and silver in the triple jump. Another day, more sore muscles but more medals too.

Day 5: I lay in bed, unable to move. The constant abuse to my muscles has finally been too much. I finally roll out of bed and crawl to the TV. Refusing to let this system get the best of me, I turn it on. After only 12 minutes my arms feel like putty and I am laying in the middle of the floor on my back. Sweating worse than Mark Mangino at a lobster buffet during the Kansas summer. This round goes to Mario and Sonic. They have beat me.

This game is a better workout than Richard Simmons came out with Disco Sweat. And that is saying something.