Things not to do in an Irish Pub

We spent time in a Seattle Irish Pub before the Sounders game on Saturday and discovered a few rules that you should follow...

Expect a low calorie menu - Things you'll never see at an Irish Pub... salad, tofu and organic foods.

Order a light beer - There's a below-21 club around the corner. We'd suggest you go there.

Mention something about the English - because they have bad teeth and horrible taste in cars.

Ask for someone to change the Flogging Molly to some Young Jeezy - Have you ever felt a bottle broke over your head? Because you're about to feel it.

Forget the name of the waitress - Your beer will be warm. 

Tell the waitress to "get to work" - Yikes, now your beer wont come at all.

Tell the person next to you that you hate Guinness - That's like saying Apple Pie in un-American.

Ask the bartender where all these ruffians came from - Those are Irish people.

Ask the bartender to turn on the Yankees game - Only Red Sox games belong on the tube.

How to make the Olympics more interesting

The Olympics are lame. Admit it. It's a bunch of sports that are pretty much unwatchable, and to add insult to injury, everything is tape-delayed. It used to be the perfect stage for capitalism vs. communism, good vs. evil and now it's more drugged up than somebody that got their wisdom teeth taken out.

Fear not though, it's possible once again to have an interesting Olympics. They just need to put these events in...

Beer Pong
It would be a dead heat between the Americans and Germans. Light beer would be regulation, causing all Olympic teams to train with Guinness and Mickey's. With this event, how many more college students with drinking problems would then be considered to be "chasing the dream."

Thunderdome
Two men enter, one man leaves.

Hotdog eating contest
Can you imagine the NBC broadcast graphics that would track the puking?

"It looks like Jerry Hanson from Canada has upchucked a record twenty times during these Olympics. No way that was the kind of performance he wanted to put in this year."

Mascot races
Get all the world's best sports mascots and make them run over a moat full of alligators. They actually do this in Iran, so why not make this an actual sport.

Beat the crap out of Richard Simmons
Style points for doing it in a glittery one-piece.

Any other suggestions?