Eastern Washington third in preseason polls

Woo hoo! You know college football is just around the corner when the preseason polls start to come out. Even though Eastern Washington has no chance at making the postseason thanks to the NCAA sanctions, but hey! Whatev. Let's play some football...

Media Poll
1. Montana (27) - 283
2. Weber State (5) - 261
3. Montana State - 203
4. Eastern Washington - 195
5. Northern Arizona - 156
6. Portland State - 120
7. Sacramento State - 102
8. Northern Colorado - 71
9. Idaho State - 47

Coaches Poll
1. Montana (7) - 63
2. Weber State (1) - 57
3. Eastern Washington (1) - 48
4. Montana State - 41
5. Northern Arizona - 32
6. Portland State - 30
7. Sacramento State - 27
8. Northern Colorado - 15
9. Idaho State - 10

Now granted Montana returns 13 starters from last year, but has there ever been a year when they weren't picked first in the Big Sky Conference? I swear the commissioner's offices are located in Missoula.

As far as Eastern being ranked third - I'm a little skeptical. I think once this team hits some adversity, they're going to crumble since they have no postseason to play for. Why make the extra effort if you don't have a chance at glory anyways?

Just my thoughts on it, let's hope the Eags prove me wrong!

In Spokane, we bring flare guns to bar fights

Only in Spokane...

A female bar patron suffered a one-inch burn to her face early today when she was shot with a flare gun inside the Top Hat Tavern, 6412 N. Division St.

Police said the smell of powder was still evident when they arrived to the 1:30 a.m. call.

Witnesses said a man in his middle 20s entered the bar and was trying to talk to a woman at the bar but was being rude, so the victim and bartender tried to intervene.

The assailant became argumentative and drew a flare gun. He shot the woman from a distance of about five to seven feet before fleeing the tavern with the gun. He was last seen headed north on Division Street in a red sport-utility vehicle, possibly a Ford Explorer, said Officer Tim Moses.

So be warned, if you see a man brandishing a flare gun in a Spokane bar, get the hell out of there.

Epic Video: Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes

This is all that Brandon and I know how to cook.

Things people shouldn't trust me with...

1. Live animals with sharp claws and a hunger for human flesh (aka any small housecat) because they'll quickly end up locked in a car with the windows rolled up.

2. A suitcase nuke. I tend to lose my carkeys on a regular basis so who knows where I'd forget this thing. Probably at the STA Bus Plaza.

3. Money. My... that split Randy Moss jersey with half being a Vikings jersey and half being a Patriots jersey looks mighty cool. What's this 100 dollar bill doing in my wallet?

4. Directions. Actual dialougue between me and my friend Dylan the other day...

"So you go down this street, follow it a long ways, I mean like a LONG ways. Seriously. Okay now when you get to this four-way stop, and I mean there's a lot of four way stops but when you get to this one... I'm not sure where it is exactly, take a left, and then a little ways past this church take a right at these apartments, not sure what the name of them are, and be sure you have the right one because there are lots of apartments around there."

5. Responsibility. You mean I was suppose to turn off the coffee pot this morning?

Epic Photo: Funny Sign Tuesday

That's right boys and girls. It's Tuesday. And that means more crazy signs thanks to signspotting.com.

My question is this: is the sign at the top of the cliff or the bottom? Cause neither stick figure is in a good spot.


But officer, it was the only spot close to the mall.


I'm immature. That is nothing new.

Visit signspotting.com for more great signs!

Epic Photo: Panda Shaq

Thanks to Deadspin for again showing us why Shaq is awesome.

The JustSON of North Mailbag (These aren't made up, we promise)

We're kicking off another great feature here at JustSON. This is our first mailbag from (wink wink) user emails that I'll try to answer.

Don't you think this nude video controversy taken of a certain female ESPN sideline reporter from a hotel room peephole is just terrible?
- E. Andrews, Bristol, CT

One of my friend's first reactions to the news of a nude sideline reporter video was "how the hell did they get the video from a hotel room peephole? I thought they were one way." And that certainly got me thinking about actual hotel room privacy.

Recently it came out that the people that did this needed about $600 worth of equipment and some seriously perverted intentions. That's it.

Rest easy during your next road trip! I know I will.

Although to be fair, I doubt a video of a slightly overweight ginger walking around naked might not be quite as popular as this sideline reporter. Just a hunch.

Brandon, why don't you talk about hockey? - J. Willits, somewhere in Canada

Real hockey fans can spot me a mile away at Chiefs fans. I'm the one singing to Cotton-Eye Joe, telling players that they "need to get in a fight" with 10 seconds left in the period, and the guy that shows up to the game 20 minutes late and stands up frequently in front of people.

People can just come to the conclusion that I'm not a hockey fan. Now if I started trying to talk about a sport I know nothing about, I'd become Dave Sims.

What was the worst moment of your life? - G. Lucas, Hollywood, Calif.

For me, it was when I watched your ridiculous bastardization of my childhood in "Indiana Jones 4" Mr. Lucas. It was so bad that I can't watch the old Indiana Jones movies anymore without thinking of that guy named like a chick from the Transformer movies and aliens.

For Casey, it was when he discovered the Eastern Bunny wasn't real. He cried in his college dorm room for days.

Why is it that one of you guys is engaged, and the other one can be seen on weekends at Star Trek conventions doing his William Shatner impression? - D. Phil, Los Angeles, Calif.

Two paths in life actually. One of us spent his free time working out and developing a healthy social life. The other watched SportsCenter for 18 hours straight one day, passed up a free date with a girl to go to a Shock game and has the same diet as John Madden. You mix and match which one is Casey and which one is me.

Well that's it for the mailbag, if you have any more questions... send it to our email on the right.

Why Terrell Owens will be wildly entertaining when he becomes old and senile

Lawrence Taylor, now in retirement from the NFL, had a couple of things to say about no longer playing football.

"A lot of the guys will sit there and live football. Every Sunday they're glued to the t.v. watching football. I don't watch football. I'd rather watch two people ****"

... Ladies and gentlemen, LT!

Epic Video: Good Morning

OK, last night I shared with a goodnight story.

Well, this is usually how we like to wake up around here at the Just South of North headquarters.

Good Morning!

If Seahawk fans say something stupid about this, I'll punch them

The same Seahawk fan in me that still wants to complain about the referees in Super Bowl XL wants to make some snide comment about this news story, but in the end, this just blows (literally).

PITTSBURGH -- A casino employee is suing Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, accusing him of sexual assault at a Nevada hotel.

The story was broken on Monday evening by ProFootballTalk.com, which reported that Harrah's casino employee Andrea McNulty filed the civil lawsuit last week in Washoe County, Nev., stemming from an alleged incident at a hotel room in July 2008.

Roethlisberger is not facing any criminal charges, and it's unclear if McNulty ever tried to file a criminal complaint before taking legal action against him.

Ummm... you didn't file a criminal charge? Hmm, that's odd. It's like the reason you're doing this is trying to get money from him. That's not fishy or anything.

Either way, Big Ben's public image is screwed and now I'll have to listen to this for the next six months on ESPN radio. While I try not to downplay the seriousness of sexual assault, the fact that this woman decided to take it to civil court first makes me think she's has other motives BUT if that proves not to be the case, I will certainly right the ship and apologize.

Overall, just a mess.

Epic Video: Goodnight Moon

In case you didn't know, today marked the 40th anniversary of man walking on the moon. Yes, Apollo 11.

Well, the moon is very special to us here at Just South of North. Sometimes, when Brandon is having trouble sleeping at night, he'll call me up and I will read him this to help him fall asleep.

Enjoy. And goodnight moon.

Hats off to Tom Watson

If you're a sports fan at all, then you heard about 59-year old Tom Watson's second-place finish in the British Open. Watson was tops on the leaderboard all weekend but lost in a playoff. Since then, the reaction to this story has been largely "How disappointing was it that Tom Watson lost?" and "How lame is golf if a 59-year can compete in a major?"

No, this wasn't disappointing, and this certainly doesn't take a hit to the credibility of golf.

Golf is a wonderful game. I've never picked up clubs and tried it myself, but the mere fact that people play it from a young age until the day that they die is a testament to how great it is.

There are certainly better athletes in the NFL, MLB and NBA, but what's average career of an NFL running back? Five years? That's it and then they may have some serious medical problems to deal with.

At least in the PGA, our favorite golfers age gracefully.

Along with that, how many of these athletes can do what PGA golfers can do? Sure Tiger makes everyone look like a bunch of clowns, but that's because he's a once-in-a-lifetime golfer. Everybody on tour can do great things on the golf course, that's how they go there. It takes a skill that not too many people have.

And the fact that Watson finished second is more of a testament to how well Watson performed as opposed to how "weak" the supposed competition of the rest of the British Open was. If you think you could do better, go to your local golf course and see if you can go head-to-head with the course pro there. See what happens.

This was just a fantastic story, Watson carried himself wonderfully and I'm glad that it happened. I'm glad that sometimes the human spirit can fight off father time and just for a brief moment of time - we can stick out tongue out at our own mortality.

Reasons why you're still single... Michael Vick fan

Oh boy, where do we go from here now that Michael Vick is officially a free man.

Will he be in the NFL? There's got to be a franchise out there that wants to give him a shot right?

Hmmm, don't jump the gun so quickly, here are some things that may stop some teams from signing him.

(1) He's been out of the game for two years, and for a position based on timing and mental skill - that's tough. Who know's how good he'll be.

(2) Any team that would sign him would immediatly be fire-bombed by PETA. Because that's what they do.

(3) He wasn't that good to begin with. An exciting player... but in terms of actual performance at QB, not so good.

(4) He killed dogs for years and then lied about it. Is this the kind of character you want on your team?

Tortoise escapes circus

It must suck to be really, really slow.

Madison - A massive tortoise that made a break for freedom this month in Wisconsin has been corralled and sent to rejoin its circus family in New Jersey.

The 114-pound male tortoise is part of the Zerbini Family Circus in Trenton, N.J.

Berta escaped during a July 7 show in Madison. He was spotted six days later when he wandered onto a golf course two miles away.

Circus owner and producer Alain Zerbini says he'll be glad to have Berta back, not only because he was expensive but because he's been "part of the family" for 10 years.

A friend of Zerbini picked up Berta from the local Humane Society on Friday. Zerbini says he expects to have Berta back in a few days.

Berta can't do any tricks, but Zerbini says he's still a crowd-pleaser just because "he's a big tortuga."

"Follow me! Follow me to Freedom!" ... two miles away.

I would like to point out that Casey and I did not help break the tortoise out of the circus, but if given the oppourtunity, we probably would have. What's the use though? He's slower than Shaq on the fast break.

Reasons why you're still single... US Women's Softball

You stayed up late last night watching the US Women's Softball team play against Australia. Not only that but you started to think that the sport of softball wasn't that bad and if marketed well, it could be a bigger draw.

Then on a napkin you drew up the organization of Major League Softball with franchises in Spokane, Missoula, Colorado Springs, Flint, and Wenatchee.

It still would probably be more popular than soccer.

Just South of North Podcast: First Edition

Alright ladies and gentlemen, after lots of hard work and planning, my friend Dylan Kitzan and I were able to record the first Just South of North podcast from Just SON headquarters in Spokane, Wash.

Keep in mind that our setup is fairly limited in technical terms but we should get better as we get more shows under our belt. We'll be doing this roughly every two weeks and the goal of these podcasts is not to just recount the latest sports happenings but rather discuss topics that affect sports fans (and anything else we want to talk about).

You can download the first podcast here.

Epic Photo: Casey was driving

An Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into the home and outdoor deck. The vehicle was parked in the driveway. The driver lurched the vehicle forward instead of backing out of the driveway, hitting the deck and cracking the house's foundation.

Thank you Deadspin.

Reasons why you're still single... skull tattoos

Listen, we know you want to be different - but the skull tattoo on your forehead and a Nazi Swastika t-shirt might be a little much. Not sure how you're going to explain this to the girl you're hitting on and don't be so surprised if everyone is staring and pointing.

Spokane might be a smaller city but we're not backwater enough to ignore the fact that you're about as ignorant and ridiculous as they come. Please, just leave the bar and let normal people of society enjoy their drinks.

Epic Video: Holiday

This song is one of those where the more you listen to it, the more you like it. Kinda like when you hangout with me and Brandon. We take some getting used to. Perhaps this will become the new theme song of JustSON.

Scarves up!

Chelsea FC of the English Premier League comes to the XBOX Pitch at Qwest Field today for a friendly match between the Blues and the Seattle Sounders FC.

Location:
Seattle, WA

Match Date, Time:
07/18/09, 12:00 PM

Broadcast Coverage:
ESPN2, 97.3 KIRO FM

The Sounders have covered the pitch in real grass, they've opened the entire 67,000 seats up for an almost sold out crowd, it's lovely weather today in Seattle and the international team of Chelsea is here to play.

Scarves up!

Epic Photo: Escape to the weekend

That's right folks. It's the weekend. Try to escape early.

David Beckham sucks it up

The David Beckham saga with the LA Galaxy continues, and a telling sign of how well it's going is the half-price Beck jerseys at Just Sports in the Northtown Mall.

He's been injured, meddled with the team, left for Europe to play for a real team and largely been a disaster for the MLS and the Galaxy.

And he's back!

In his first club match since the Italian League's season finale on May 31, Beckham was often behind the play and seemed winded. He had no free-kick chances near the goal, didn't make any crosses that created threats and didn't even take all the Galaxy corner kicks while he was in the match.

Fans scurried down the aisles to get better pictures when he did take corner kicks, but he was booed at times.

"A few tonight, but it's to be expected," he said. "It's sometimes nice to get the boos. It gives you some inspiration,"

Oh boy, that's promising.

Here's the thing, Beckham doesn't want to be here. American fans obviously don't care as the crowd has dropped significantly since he first got here. Let him go, void the contract and move on. He's a top-tier player in a mid-tier league. That would be like Peyton Manning playing in the AFL.

Again, doesn't make sense.

TrailsFest 2009 presented by Washington Trails Association

TrailsFest 2009 will be taking place tomorrow on Saturday, July 18 at Rattlesnake Lake Recreation Area in North Bend, Washington.

TrailsFest is presented by the Washington Trails Association and will feature exhibitors, prizes, clinics and more. Stop by the WTA booth to get a free issue of Washington Trials Magazine as well as lists of great day hikes in the area.

Beginning at 10 AM, the activities and clinics run through 4 PM. Some of the highlights include presentations by the Seattle Audubon, tips and tricks from mountain guides, a presentation on how to use a map and compass and backcountry first aid for dogs. Here's the schedule of activities and clinics.

As for exhibitors over 45 local businesses, non-profit organizations and sponsors will be on location. The full list of exhibitors is available here.

Still not sold on going? Well, there are activities that are on going as well. Including cross-cutting saw demos, pack fitting from Gregory Packs, a climbing wall, fire starting demos and much more.

Tickets for the event are $5 each or 5 for $20. You can buy tickets at TrailsFest or online at www.wta.org.

In addition to the event, you can enjoy the local scenery of Rattlesnake Lake, hike on the historic John Wayne Trail or even take you bike for spin on the Snoqualmie Valley Trail.

There are also raffle tickets available for free and cost raffles on various prize packages. And anyone who bikes to TrailsFest receives a special free raffle ticket for a biking prize.

And you can bet the Northern Rangers will be out there. Full coverage from our experience on Saturday will be posted the following day.

Giant Squids invade San Diego coast

There's a reason I don't like to go swimming in the ocean. There are things bigger than me in that place. There are things that may try to eat me. And then, there are squids...

SAN DIEGO - Thousands of jumbo flying squid — aggressive 5-foot-long sea monsters with razor-sharp beaks and toothy tentacles — have invaded the shallow waters off San Diego, spooking scuba divers and washing up dead on tourist-packed beaches.

The carnivorous calamari, which can grow up to 100 pounds, came up from the depths last week and swarms of them roughed up unsuspecting divers. Some divers report tentacles enveloping their masks and yanking at their cameras and gear.

Stories of too-close encounters with the alien-like cephalopods have chased many veteran divers out of the water and created a whirlwind of excitement among the rest, who are torn between their personal safety and the once-in-a-lifetime chance to swim with the deep-sea giants.

Once-in-a-lifetime experience? That's because you wont survive swimming with them. I'm all for preserving and exploring nature, just as long as it doesn't involve something with tentacles and beaks that can come in contact with me.

Actually, I think I just described one of my ex-girlfriends.

Epic Video: Bacon

Good morning!

It's Friday! And I love bacon!

Since there are no sports on...

I'm writing this in a bunker somewhere in Spokane. Currently, the sports world has collapsed and the Boston Red Sox don't play until Friday...

You know what this means? I have nothing to live for. Wow. Perhaps I should invest in something like spiritual enlightenment, or own a puppy, or watch the WNBA.

For those of you that (rightfully) think I'm a black hole without sports - here are some other things that I like.

1. Child stars going on a rampage of sex, drugs and more drugs - The more f-ed up the E! True Hollywood story, the more credit I give the person. Especially if some sort of animal is involved.

2. Pyramid Schemes - Here's the deal, send me 10 bucks, get your friends to send me ten bucks and I'll send you two dollars back. It's a can't miss deal!

3. Katy Perry - Do I really need to explain this?

4. Eric Andrews - Really?!

5. Star Trek: The Next Generation - I watch reruns all the time and sometimes I put on a carburetor and pretend to be Geordi LaForge - you know, the guy from Reading Rainbow.

6. PBS - Want to watch a British documentary on chicken legs! Here you go!

7. Being a man-whore - Yup.

8. Running ... a short distance - I love my 400 yard jogs. They're quite relaxing.

9. Eating - Ask Casey, at the Sounders FC game - I ate out Qwest Field. In fact, thanks to me, they shut down the "All You Can Eat" Buffet.

10. Pretending to be an interesting person - The sweater vest is totally pulling it off too.

(Thanks to Boston Dirt Dogs for the photo)

Apparently Ichiro is going to mess with Jason Bay's house

This was taken from Red Sox star Jason Bay's blog about his experience at the 2009 All-Star game on WEEI:

I run back in from the field to get sunglasses. Locker room completely empty except Ichiro stretching on the floor and his translator sitting on the chair beside him. Sow we make small talk, and I ask him where he lives in Seattle because I lived in the suburbs.

Well, I had barely got the last word out when Ichiro says something in Japanse. Then his translator turns to me, deadpanned and straight-faced and says, “I’m going to mess with your house.” The way he said it was malicious, and Ichiro is on the floor dying laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. I was just like, “OK, I’ll see you guys out there.” I didn’t know what to say. It was weird.

I'm sure something was lost in the translation, but that combined with the footage of Ichiro beaming like a school girl when Barack Obama was signing a baseball for him - makes me think he's a bit of a strange dude. I'm not faulting him for it though. In fact, now I'm fascinated by it.

What would it be like hanging out with Ichiro in the clubhouse?

Epic Photo: Harry Potter Tattoo

Speaking of crazy Harry Potter fans, check out this guys tattoo.

Harry Potter fan commits suicide over spoiler

I heard this on the radio today. They relayed it as a real story. Read it, then read below.

HUDSON, OHIO (The Borowitz Report) -- A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling movie, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." 



Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, "I no longer have a reason to live." 



Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston's house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter - and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate. 



"When Jude got that vanity license plate that said 'Hogwarts,' that seemed harmless enough," said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. "But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help." 



According to friends of Mr. Ralston, the Potter fanatic had done everything in his power to protect himself from stumbling across Potter plot spoilers, even disconnecting his computer from the Internet and avoiding his favorite vintage comic book store. 



Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place. 



"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said.

Once I got to work, I got to investigating. Upon further review I found that this was actually a hoax set up from 2005. Here's what Snopes.com said in a nutshell.

The hoax was initiated by Andy Borowitz in 2005 before the release of the 6th Harry Potter book. He produces a daily humor column and used that as a story. News organizations picked it up, and since the 6th movie is currently being released, it flamed to life again. Silly wizard boys.

A bike shop post on craigslist

I like to browse the "Best of List" on craigslist.com. Here's a great one that I found. Straight out of Seattle. You know this stuff really happens.

*disclaimer* JustSON did not change the original context of the post, we simply edited it since we're a family friendly blog

A few things from the bike shop.
Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT

Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed.

Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete moron that huffs "Why are there so many people here?" Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

- I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your message out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you f***g squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.

- No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

- If some idiot on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DOUCHEBAGS:

-If you idiots had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's crap. It was crap in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's stillcrap, even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are F***ING AWESOME.

I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!

Epic Photo: Focus on the game

Well, at least they aren't using Twitter during halftime.

Epic Video: Singing Orange

Who doesn't love orange juice in the morning? Better yet, who doesn't love a singing orange in the morning?

Stop complaining about the All-Star Game

Sometimes sports fans and media seem like a broken record. All I hear leading up to this year's All-Star Game was a bunch of bellyaching about the All-Star Game and how this exhibition game determined home-field advantage in the World Series. However, something tells me these were the same people complaining about how the All-Star Game meant nothing just a few years ago.

Well it does mean something, and it's certainly a better product than the Pro Bowl. But you won't hear the media complain about that since the NFL has them firmly secured in their back pocket. The MLB All-Star game is the biggest event in the summer, it's a celebration of the game and if you're a baseball fan - you enjoy seeing all of the stars line up in a single match up.

Yesterday, I sat down on my couch and thought to myself "All-Star game on a sunny day? How could it get any better?"

However, people want it to be better, but they offer no solutions or a reason why it apparently "sucks." I think All-Star games in all sports have declined for a couple reasons:

(A) We can see players from around the country every night thanks to networks, the Internet and SportsCenter that show highlights non-stop. Back in the day, all you could watch was your local team and that was it. The All-Star game afforded you the opportunity to see the game's best players, now you can do that anyways.

(B) Honestly before the Internet and 1,200 TV Channels - people didn't have much to do, so things like the All-Star game meant more because there's wasn't much choice.

What I don't get though is despite this understandable decline, people clamor for change. But exactly what do you do? It's a game that's designed as sort of a showcase for baseball - both an exhibition and celebration. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I loved the show that was put on last night, I loved how they honored volunteers from around the country for their hard work, I loved that President Obama made an appearance. The game may have not been the most epic thing (although it was a close competitive game), but seriously, what the heck do you want. The All-Star game is what it is.

Oh and this game gets as much in the ratings as World Series games - so to say it's irreverent is a joke. What people in our hyper-critical society need to realize is that they're just blowing hot air into the atmosphere.

Antoine Walker is in some financial trouble

The former Celtics star apparently saw "The Hangover" and took it to heart, literally.

Former Boston All-Star Antoine Walker faces three felony counts of writing $1 million in bad checks to three Sin City casinos, according to a report in yesterday’s Las Vegas Sun.

The 32-year-old forward, who played in 2008 for the Minnesota Timberwolves, won an NBA title with Miami in 2006. Before that season, ’Toine was traded to the Heat from the Celts, the team that drafted him in 1996.

No. 8 is accused of writing 10 bad checks worth a total of $1 million to three casinos: Caesars Palace, Planet Hollywood and Red Rock Resort, reported the Sun. Under Nevada law, gambling debts are handled as bad check cases.

I actually liked Antoine back in his days with the Celts, fun player to watch, but I guess I won't be jumping into any business ventures with him.

Epic Video: Return of the Grape Lady

This is a YouTube Classic. Basically this lady is doing one of those local news human interest features and takes quite a tumble. Fast forward to :50 in the video if you don't want to learn about grape stomping...

Epic Photo of Greatness: President's pitching

Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the MLB All-Star Game last night. Let's compare the pitching form of our commander-in-chiefs...

Obama, despite all efforts by FOX to keep the first pitch away from the view of the American public due to crafty camera angels - barely got it to home plate and Albert Pujols had to scoot up to catch it. So what, I've seen a lot worse. A LOT WORSE.

Now say what you want about Dubya but he could pitch and he could fire it right down the middle. In fact, looking at this photo you can see a tag. I'm pretty sure that's Dubya's baseball card.

Who would be the better pitcher?

Epic Video: It's all about the FDRs Baayybeee

Ladies and Gentlemen, the best thing to come out of the 2009 All-Star game...



This will now be stuck in my head for about six months. Prince Fielder should have made a cameo.

Diana Taurasi could outdrink me

Whoah, if I had the same blood-alcohol level as Diana Taurasi when she was pulled over in Phoenix for a DUI - I'd probably be begging for a bucket at a Zips somewhere while trying to eat a Big Zipper to soak up all the booze.

PHOENIX -- Mercury star Diana Taurasi faces three drunken driving related charges, including extreme DUI, for a July 2 incident in which she also was cited for speeding.

A Phoenix police report released Tuesday shows Taurasi's blood-alcohol level was 0.17 percent, or more than twice the Arizona legal limit of 0.08 percent.

The 27-year-old guard was cited hours after she scored 22 points in the Mercury's 93-81 victory over the Seattle Storm.

Taurasi pleaded not guilty to the DUI charges and not responsible to the speeding citation.

A police officer who stopped Tauarsi's vehicle after seeing it drift outside a traffic lane near downtown Phoenix claims she was driving nearly 20 mph over the 35 mph limit.

Well at least she wasn't driving with Steve Urkel...

Movies I really regret watching...

So one of my friends said we should watch this because he basically broke up with his ex because she liked this movie and he though it was the most f-ed up thing he'd ever seen. After watching the movie. I agree. Lets just say burning bodies aren't exactly my idea of enjoyment.


Okay, Rocky 5 and 6 NEVER HAPPENED. Can Nike seize the film canisters and hide them somewhere.


Remember when Eddie Murphy was making Beverly Hills Cop and was like the most popular human being on earth. What exactly happened?


(Sigh) This was a mistake.


Vin Diesel actually doesn't do any acting in this movie. He just stares at the camera for an hour and a half flexing, which doesn't quite work with his double chin.

I actually just typed in "Air Bud 4" and this came up. That's right, four movies have been made involving a golden retriever that plays sports. Ladies and Gentlemen, America!

Reasons why you're still single... junk food

When your work gives you half an hour to get food for the rest of the evening in a long shift, you come back with...

Oh and not only are you going to be single, you're not going to make it to age 35.

Epic Video: Lifeguard

We went to Wild Waves on Sunday. For those of you who don't know, Wild Waves is a water park outside of Tacoma, Washington. The day went something like this.

Epic Photo: Funny Sign Tuesday

Welcome to Tuesday. Only three more wake ups until the weekend. Hang in there.

In honor of your hard work today, since I know you're not reading this blog at work, we're starting a new segment called "Funny Street Sign Tuesday."

So enjoy. And if you really like them, share 'em with your boss.


So no pets? But put them on a leash?


Why is the open park closed?



I take it thanks to no feeding, the bear was hungry.