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Things professional football players shouldn't be doing

Night clubs just aren't a place for NFL players. On Friday night, Plaxico Burress was shot in the thigh, accidentally, and ended up spending the night in the hospital. While he should be fine, it's still a pretty embarrassing happening in a season that's already seen him get injured and suspended.

Here's some things that NFL players just shouldn't do...

- Chop wood with an axe... and end up hitting your leg with it.
- Solicit a prostitute... and have it be an undercover cop.
- Tell people you didn't know there was a tie in the NFL... right after your team tied.
- Trip over your dog... when you're the quarterback of the team.
- Headbutt the goalposts... and give yourself a concussion.
- Hit a police officer with your vehicle... good job, Randy Moss.
- Have an underground dogfighting operation.
- Have a posse with somebody named "Mouse." For some reason Mouse always gets in trouble.
- Do an endzone dance... if you're Warren Sapp.
- Play for the Raiders... ick.

Other terrible predictions that Plaxico Burress made

Awww, how cute, the media is making it seem like Giants actually have a chance to beat the Patriots. How nice of them, they're giving New York players hope leading up to a Super Bowl that will probably feature a New England team that will crush every last inch of human spirit in the G-men's body.

At least this new-found swagger has given us this rather entertaining guarantee by Plaxico Burress: A 23-17 Giants' victory.

(roaring laughter from our studio audience here at Just South of North)

I mean, has this guy watched any NFL football this season? Does he think Drew Bledsoe is still the quarterback of the team? You don't guarantee a victory over a team that has quietly gone undefeated and has shown their resolve during tough games more than once.
This is bulletin board material. Did he see how the Steelers' guarantee of victory turned out?

But we've heard that Plaxico Burress has also made some terrible guarantees and predictions in the past. Just take a list at this guys' track record.

- "That Lindsey Lohan is going to grow up to be a real role model for girls."

- "Damn, you want me to invest in a search engine called Google?!?! Google?!? That doesn't even sound like a smart investment."

- "Nirvana isn't going to be a big band, I'm going to stick with Guns and Roses."

- "Steroids isn't a big issue in baseball. I think Barry Bonds just hit the gym like a mad man, and his head growth is probably just from his ego."

- "Enron? Sign me up!"

- "I think that trip to Baghdad in the summer will be wonderful!"

- "Trust me, Wesley Snipes knows what he's doing when he handles finances."

So when you sit down for the Super Bowl on Sunday, be prepared for the biggest smackdown of your life, because the Pats are probably bringing the kitchen sink (and that kitchen sink would probably be Junior Seau's newfound gut).

And don't forget to order the NFL film DVD of the Super Bowl, we hear that they'll be getting behind-the-scenes video of the Giants locker room from the Patriots coaching staff.