Winter Driving 101

During these warm winter months (metaphorically, of course. Read a book!), one finds a warm intimacy shared with the changes of the season. The leaves have turned gold, fallen, and have been raked up. The Christmas tree is established in your house. Little ones run around in the excitement of getting a bunch of free loot on Christmas morning. The snow, falling…

…and falling…

…and falling…

Holy Oakesdale (Those from the Palouse share my joy). Snow fell all over the place, did it not? Good old Tom Sherry on KREM 2 News sure wouldn’t shut up about it, but for once, I think his hysteria was justified. It flat out dumped on us. People stuck in their houses. Snowmen the size of the Colossus. Plows doing what they can. And of course, the all-too-often automobile accidents.

It’s no secret that icy and snowy roads bring our the worst in most drivers. Those who hail from the southlands may not be so familiar with the concept of adverse roads, and is certainly something I understand. After all, their biggest concern may be dodging an armadillo or a roadrunner. When combined with the fact that many Washingtonians are transplants from other parts of the country (i.e. California), I humbly offer a small list of helpful tips to make your winter navigation simpler.

1. SLOW THE **** DOWN. Honestly. What in God’s green earth gives you the idea that taking corners at regular speed won’t somehow cause your already-dangerously-easy-to-tip SUV to start sliding sideways? It still baffles me, every time I go to Bozeman, Montana or Omak, Washington in the winter to visit family, I see car after car after car laying on its side on the sharp corners of town. How many times do you have to drive by accident scenes or at least hear about them on the news? Fast Cars + Ice makes roads really hideous ice skating rinks. Use your noggin.
   
2. If you’re sliding, don’t slam on the brakes. Trust me, allowing your brakes to lock up won’t actually make your car slow down. But it sure does a great job of making your car slide easier! When sliding, ride it out and steer into it. It’s quite a concept.
   
3. Don’t tailgate the freaking snowplows. Believe it or not, these folks (my dad being one of them and his testimonies the inspiration of this tip) have a really tough job of making your roads safer to use. And contrary to your road-rage induced impatience with these plowers slow speeds, they more than likely cannot see you riding their tails in your giddiness! There's these things called blind spots, and they're pretty terrible in Commercial vehicles. If you can't see their mirrors, then they sure as heck can't see you, and you're following them too close. Don't presume these drivers don't know what they're doing when the reality is that it is you and your tailgating skills who doesn't know what you're doing. Trust me, they’re not out to slow you down, and believe it or not, they will more than likely pull off eventually to let you by. Wait, what the heck are you doing driving around anyways when the roads are real snowy?
   
4. Get a team of sled dogs. A good set of eight to ten of them will suffice for the weather Spokane has been getting. These amazing animals have assisted man for countless generations in the northlands, providing transportation, friendship, and on occasion, a warm meal if you're hungry enough. The typical Alaskan sled dog can go a good 30-50 miles in a day if they’re not pushed too hard, and will burn anywhere from 7 to 10,000 calories in a day. That’s a lot of dog kibble. But what the heck, you’re consuming less fossil fuels that way – you’re minimizing your carbon footprint! Only just putting huge piles of dog crap in its place. Oh, by the way, they require a lot of affection, and they bark non-stop. Good thing God gave us ear plugs. 
   
5. Drink. Get a good buzz going. Enjoy that six pack of Alaskan Winter Ale (one of the finest choices you can make at the local grocer). You’ll enjoy yourself, and – wait a momento – do you think I meant drink while driving? You presumptive fiend. I bring up drinking and getting a killer buzz because if you have **** for brains (a true rarity these days, for sure), you’ll stay at home and not go out on the roads since you clearly don’t have to.
   
6. If you really don’t have to go out, then don’t. Just wait it out until the road is clear enough. It really does work. Or perhaps even better, go for a walk. A leisurely stroll around the neighborhood or to the grocery store. You’ll be consuming less fossil fuels (Al Gore said its ruining the world you know), get fresh air, and have the wonderful added experience of having to dodge other blokes who decide to go out in it. 
   

Having listened to my college professors for six years, I’m pretty confident that these tips will assist you in your winter travels. College professors know the answers to everything, you know. 

And for the record, a huge shout-out to my adversaries Brandon and Casey for inviting me to JSON. This is a big day for me, and while I think their small-minded-Fox-News-bias is clearly a detriment to the blog, I tolerate them because I get a kick out of how wrong they are. Lord knows they probably never once listened to one of their college professors...

Thanks guys!!! Now, I'm off to go watch The O'Reilly Factor...