My thought process while shopping at Walmart

Remember in the mid-90s when Wal-Mart didn't seem all that evil. You know, coming into communities and shackling them with their bargain prices and white trash attractiveness. They even had that smiley face commercial thingy, which was almost hypnotic. And since there was nothing to do in the small town of the Chewelah where I grew up., the real big to-do was driving 20 minutes up to Colville and go shopping at Wal-Mart.

Here's an average day in my life, when I go to that store:

Parking Lot -- Crowded, it's always crowded, not clue how many camper trucks can squeeze in here, it's like the clown cars of parking lots. Damn! this lady needs to stop doing to 5 mph speed limit, get going... why do slow drivings always have the most bumber stickets. A spot! yes! Wait... Mizz "I brake for pro-choice and aliens" just slipped into the spot. That's alright, my shopping cart is so going to get shoved into a collision course with her car door by the end of the day.

Front Doors -- No I do not want any campfire cookies, heartless exploiter of children youth groups. Seriously, you can't hold a candle to the chocolate double mint Girl Scout Cookies. Take your ginger snaps and shove them all the way back to the pre-fab factory that made them.

Okay, gonna spend maybe ten dollars in here. All I need is deodorant and a toothbrush, and maybe a $5 DVD. That's a must. HOLY SH** do my eyes deceive me, are those retro versions on Monopoly? What brilliant businessman decided to market this little nugget of joy into my store. Hellllllo hours of enjoyment with friends, and only for $35.99. Sure hope my friends enjoy Monopoly.

Electronics Section -- Ah, five-dollar DVD bin. Now just take one. Wait! Where did these ten people all wearing sweat pants come from. No! I must get in here. I saw a five dollar copy of Blade 3 in there. COME ON! Scoot Over. Okay Blade... you're mine. That's it. WAIT! Is that a copy of Dunston Checks In? Only the greatest Hotel/Primate movie of all time. What a wonderful discovery. Can't believe they sell these for five dollars. Seriously, they must be losing money on this deal.

Women's Clothing -- Hehe, there's photos of women in bras. TeeHee. I'm going to camera phone this and send it to my buddy... WAIT! Is that Michael Phelps Calendar?!??! Why didn't they take these down. My god, this is soooooooooo getting on College Humor. Alright, busting out the camera phone. Wait, what's that? No Ma'am, I'm not taking photos of bras, Ma'am, please put your purse down. Stop using it as a club... owwwwww.

Men's Clothing -- 10 dollar t-shirts, yes. Loooky there, a SpoungeBob Squarepants t-shirt. Score.

Random Aisles -- Nope. Nope. Nope. Not going to get that. Don't need that. WAIT! Is that a throw pillow? Man I don't have one of those. I need a throw pillow. Oh and a place mat for the apartment I'm going to get soon. Oh yes, what place mat should I get, i need one of those thingies.

Behind a person who's white trash -- Boy does Wal-mart sure bring in the White-Trash. Yeppers.

Hunting Section -- CAMO polos?!?! Are you serious. I can wear those to work and no one can see me. I'm putting one on now. Whoops almost had trouble getting it over my mullet.

Magazine Section -- Why... yes I do need 984 tips on how the develop the perfect Fantasy Lacrosse Team. Thank you very much.

Checkout -- Oh man, did I make a stealing here. I owned you Walmart. I OWNED you. Great Bargins. Smart Shopper Right Here. Yep.

Walking out of the Store -- How the hell did I spend 145 dollars on four items.