February 21, 2010

Why it's impossible to kill Jean-Claude Van Damme

Having just seen Hard Target, I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to kill Jean Claude Van Damme. I mean, if you wanted to kill Steven Segal all you would have to do is poison his dinner (the man likes to eat) however Jean is a completely different problem since he's french...

Shooting at Jean - Since he's a movie action hero, you will miss Van Damme despite being at point blank range and a trained assassin. Doesn't matter how improbable it is that you keep missing him, that basard is shifty.

Knifing Jean - Worst idea ever. You'll get a knife in your throat or some other orifice.

Running over Jean with your motorcycle - Since you're on a gas tank with wheels, he could hit it with a pea shooter and it would blow up with you on it.

Fighting Jean hand-to-hand - Have you seen when he round houses somebody in the face? You'd be crazy to do this because the man has a mullet of power and nobody can defeat the mullet of power.

Grenade Jean - He'll just through it back at you, because we all know grenades have 10-second fuses or however long it takes for Jean to throw it back.

Send your cronies to kill Jean - Despite him being outnumbered 20-1, your cronies will be to busy laughing maniacally when they have him corned and will end up getting the crap kicked out of them and then he'll find the location of your secret hide out.

Chase Jean with a helicopter - He'll be on horseback and we all know you can't beat a horse with a helicopter.

Blow up a bunch of crap around Jean - Even though it may seem like you have magic movie bullets that make everything you hit blow up in some huge explosion, he's not going to suffer from any sort of repercussions by having a small nuke go off right next to his eardrums.

So there you go, Jean-Claude Van Damme is invincible.

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