February 25, 2011

Why EWU should hire Charlie Sheen

So you've no doubt heard about Two and a Half Men getting canned for this season after Charlie Sheen went off the deep end. He's currently vacationing in the Bahamas with two porns stars and appears to be out for a job for the time being.

Enter Eastern Washington University.

You see, the university needs a strong public figurehead to get their brand out to the people. Who better than one Charlie Sheen?

Why would it be a good hire? Here are the reasons...

1. Public speaking skills. I mean if he can say gems like these... "I violently hate Chaim Levine," Sheen said. "He's a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite." ... the sky is really the limit.

2. He'd scare the frat boys straight - After seeing what the ravages of nightly drinking, a briefcase full of cocaine and lots and lots of porn stars does to a human body, I'm sure Greek Life would back off.

3. He would help the science department - With the amount of STDs that man has living in his body, he's got to be a treasure to medical science, a human petri dish if you will, and EWU just cannot pass up the opportunity.

4. He'd keep the EWU Police busy - Instead of handing out parking tickets to unsuspecting college students, they could spend their resources on tasering Sheen nightly.

5. He could be a professor - Granted it would be in the studies of porn, but that's better than the film program they have there now right?

6. Punching college liberal hippie douches - This would be my favorite skill, because nobody can stand a college liberal hippie douche.

Sooo EWU... get on the ball...

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