February 25, 2011
Why EWU should hire Charlie Sheen
Enter Eastern Washington University.
You see, the university needs a strong public figurehead to get their brand out to the people. Who better than one Charlie Sheen?
Why would it be a good hire? Here are the reasons...
1. Public speaking skills. I mean if he can say gems like these... "I violently hate Chaim Levine," Sheen said. "He's a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite." ... the sky is really the limit.
2. He'd scare the frat boys straight - After seeing what the ravages of nightly drinking, a briefcase full of cocaine and lots and lots of porn stars does to a human body, I'm sure Greek Life would back off.
3. He would help the science department - With the amount of STDs that man has living in his body, he's got to be a treasure to medical science, a human petri dish if you will, and EWU just cannot pass up the opportunity.
4. He'd keep the EWU Police busy - Instead of handing out parking tickets to unsuspecting college students, they could spend their resources on tasering Sheen nightly.
5. He could be a professor - Granted it would be in the studies of porn, but that's better than the film program they have there now right?
6. Punching college liberal hippie douches - This would be my favorite skill, because nobody can stand a college liberal hippie douche.
Sooo EWU... get on the ball...