April 17, 2011

Casey's Excellent Adventure

From what I gathered from random texts, Facebook status updates and my own imagination is  that Casey went to the Tri-Cities this weekend with Lindsay for wine and good times.

Now I've been to the Tri-Cities and I have no idea how you could have a good time but Casey apparently found a way. The following is a series of events that I assume happened while he was drinking wine and talking about the Seattle Sounders.

Friday, 2 p.m. - Casey starts drinking wine.

Friday, 2:10 p.m. - Casey is drunk.

Friday, 2:12 p.m. - Casey texts me that he is drunk.

Friday, 2:15 p.m. - Now since Casey is in the Tri-Cities, I can only guess that he can do two things. (1) Go to one of the various bars in the area, the kind that are "Tri-City staples of society" that have high school jerseys pinned on the wall and one of the Tri-City new stations playing in the background or (2) steal some nuclear rods from the power plant.

Friday, 5 p.m. - From the lack of news coverage, I'm guessing Casey did not steal the nuclear rods.

Friday, 6 p.m. - At this point I'm curious what his wife is thinking however I dare not message her because if anyone is more drunk than Casey at this point, it is his wife. She's the rare kind of girl that could outdrink a hockey player and then beat him up.

Friday, 7 p.m. - Casey texted me something I can't repeat for fear of getting sued. Sorry Rosie O'Donnell. It wasn't nice.

Friday, 8 p.m. - At this point, we're reaching the married couple curfew. This is when no matter what is going on, the married couple will look at their watch and go "ohhh welll, time to hit the ol' dusty trail" however, unexpectedly, Casey and Lindsay break this curfew. Never a good idea because that usually means both parties are hopelessly intoxicated.

Friday, 10 p.m. - I imagine at this point Casey was at a dance club, doing fist pumps with the Tri-Cities version of "The Situation" but since it's the Tri-Cities, he was probably called "The Mistake."

Friday, 12 p.m. - Usually around midnight, bars become pretty unbearable for most normal folk that either don't have a drinking problem, a criminal record or an acceptable posse of friends for protection. In Casey's case, he's probably tipping over tables at this point and demanding to be called "El Nino."

Saturday, 1 a.m. - I get a text from Casey, angry that a store will not actually let him drink alcoholic beverages inside the store. "Because if they sell the products you should be able to drink them." I think every person has thought this at one juncture or another.

Saturday, 1:05 a.m. - Casey is kicked out of the store.

Saturday, 9:05 a.m. - Casey surveys the damage from the previous evening.

... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is a Friday night in the life of Casey Knopik.


  1. Hahaha! Perfect Brandon! And yes, there was even a chicken.

  2. Haha!! Awesome! Tri Cities you have to make your own fun!