September 28, 2011

Reasons why you're still single... Sports bar fans

Shouldn't sports bars be a fun place to go to on Sunday? Instead they've become a weird gutter for society's alcoholics too root on their favorite football teams and make complete arses of themselves. There must be something about the NFL when people like these start coming through the sports bar door...

The high five guy
Usually wearing a lime green Seattle Seahawks jersey and about 10 beers in at 11 a.m. in the morning. He trolls around the bar looking for high-fives from complete strangers after big plays... or just at random. If he doesn't get a response he'll scream "BYAAAWWW!!!! Seahawks" as a sort of mating call to find some sort of high-fiving mate.

(Don't high five this guy, try to trip him as he walks by your table)

The clapper
They don't realize they're in a sports bar hundreds of miles away from the game and that the players can't actually hear when they clap. But they continue to clap. And clap. And clap. They clap for big plays. They clap for five-yard penalties. They clap for good commercials. They clap when they get their hot wings. Their clapping is so loud that is warrents that you look around and make sure somebody hasn't fired off a live pistol in the bar.

(Just install the light clapper so this a-hole has to watch the game in the dark)

The loner
Most people go to the sports bar with friends. Not this fellow. He slaps on a jersey and proceeds to be a wolfpack of one at the bar. He leers about making as much noise as possible to get attention and then looks around to see if anyone is paying attention to him. Loud clapping? Screaming? Random "Lets gow HAAAHAAAWWWWKS!" chants. He's got them all. And a drinking problem.

Green Bay Packer fans
Actually these people are awesome. My favorite kind of football fans. God bless them.

Oakland Raiders fans
They usually show up halfway through the game and make more noise than anyone when the Raiders make a big play. However, they actually have no clue who's on the team or the Raiders' record.

The girls who manage to find away to get cleavage out of a football jersey
How the heck does this happen? How?!?!?! It's like supposed to be physically impossible. HOW?!?!

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