September 7, 2011

Why I'm excited for this NFL season

This Thursday, New Orleans travels to Green Bay to kick off the NFL season, meaning millions of adult males be huddled around their computers checking their fantasy football numbers. I'm one of them.

I'm particularly pumped for this NFL season for several reasons, which is quite the departure from previous years where I was good with watching college football and making fun of the pros. Here's why you should be pumped too.

Taiwan Jones will run hog wild for the Raiders
While Griz running back Chase Reynolds is mired on an NFL practice squad, Taiwan Jones will be one of the feature backs for the Raiders. How can you not root for the former eagle? He's got moves like video game Bo Jackson and speed like Paul Walker's car in "The Fast and the Furious. "

This also means I can watch Raiders games and make fun of their fans.

A Matt Hasselbeck-less Seattle Seahawks
Sorry Seahawk fans. Your team is going to be a train wreck this season. Just set your expectations low on Sundays and expect a recreation of the opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" at Qwest Field.

Matt Hasselbeck goes to the Titans
Jack Locker and MH on my beloved Titans. I really don't know what to do. If I were the GM, I'd just invest some money in making a zombie Steve McNair.

No Brett Favre
Right Brett? You're not coming back. You are staying home and sending dong shots to interns from the comfort of your living room. Don't you dare go to the Seahawks. DONT YOU DARE.

Rex Ryan
How can you not enjoy Rex Ryan? He's like when one of your relatives has too much to drink at a family reunion and starts commenting on how one of your cousins looks pregnant...when she's not pregnant. Pure humor! Gotta love him!

I want to gamble a lot of money on games
Whats that? I lost roughly $300 today? Well crap....

The Packers are good
Lets be honest, when Green Bay has a good team, football is just a whole lot more fun. Like remember when St. Louis was the best team in football? Lame. St. Louis is a lame town. The Rams are a lame team and KURT WARNER? You've got to be kidding me.

But Green Bay? Aaron Rodgers is a steeley-eyed missile man. Their coach appears to be on the Mike Holmgrem diet and they lead the league in DBs with long cornrow dreads.

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