December 14, 2012
The Hobbit Movie Spoilers
The Hobbit just opened and apparently its making buttloads of money. If you can't make it to the movie, at least buy the book, and enjoy J.R.R. Tolkien's first foray into Middle Earth. We're here to ruin it for you, however, with some Hobbit Movie Spoilers.
1. Bilbo and the Dwarves will be short - Sadly, they will not be able to get on any carnival rides, or reach the top shelf. That's the problem with being a halfling and a dwarf, the only place you can find clothes is the kids section of Walmart.
2. Some sort of epic battle will happen - A lot of people will probably die in said battle. There will be some do-good force vs. a rather nasty detachment of evil people. Think of it like the Patriots vs. the Bills.
3. A ring will be involved - I don't know how Kay Jewelers somehow got their winter line in this movie, but alas, Bilbo will probably be feeling around for some dull ring.
4. Gandalf will have magic - Despite being almost all-knowing and almost all-powerful, he always seems to get himself into a pinch. A rather lazy wizard if you ask me. The better wizard? James Franco in his upcoming movie.
5. There will be some quest to fulfill - Want to combat obesity in America, have people set out and complete quests. We'd do away with our dragon and goblin problem as well. Now if only we could find dragons and goblins in America.
6. Somebody will smoke a pipe - After all, weed is legal in the Shire now.
7. The movie will be two hours longer than any other movie - Peter Jackson, a wonderful director but terrible editor.
Also you'll probably see someone dressed up as a hobbit at the movie theater, or you can go dressed as a hobbit yourself. We won't blame you.