Cyber adventures with Wii Golf

Since there’s still roughly a foot of snow outdoors and every time I try to go down to the gas station I get passed by a Sherpa scaling the large mountains in Cheney, I decided to remember the better times of summer by playing Wii Golf (on the Wii Sports package).

Problem is, I suck at Wii Golf, I suck large, steaming, smelly donkey crap at Wii Golf. My best score on that game is +8, and keep in mind that you’re playing a nine-hole course. That’s god-awful, somewhere John Daly is laughing, chugging a fifth of whiskey and passing out in some woman’s lap. But that’s what he does, because he’s John Daly.

Now me on the other hand, am not as cool as John Daly, that’s probably why I’m playing Wii Golf by myself in my room on a Sunday night. That’s okay though, I have anti-depressants on the way via UPS.

Oh and thanks to my bootlegged mult-player program I loaded up on the Wii, Casey also got to be in the game of Wii Golf. Problem is, he really wasn’t concerned about my quest to improve my golf score, as you will see throughout this post.

I started off my nine-hole game on a very negative note, overshooting the green on my second shot, however I was able to save face by chipping close to the hole for an easy par putt-in.

Casey, on the other hand, didn’t even play the first hole, he was too busy using the “Mii Parade” feature on the Wii. “Hey check this out, somebody made a Mii of Matt Damon!”

Screw Matt Damon. Just like Sarah Silverman did.

On the second hole, I promptly put my ball in the sand. And nothing bugs me more than sandy balls.

I chip it on the green but two-putt the damn thing. I wrap my putter around a tree via a special and widely unknown button-combination code. Casey, on the other hand, it making sand castles in the bunker.

I did manage to have one good hole in the game, smashing through the trees twice on the third hole but making a nice putt for birdie. That put me back at even.

Then came my worst enemy, the 4th hole in Wii golf. The Island hole. This hole gives me nightmares. Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat after imagining that I overshot the island for the umpteenth time. It’s about as frustrating as one of those claw machines at the Supermarket. You know what I mean? The claw machines where you try and pick up some sort of prize out behind class but the damn thing always seems to loose its grip at the last moment? That’s what it’s like playing on the Island hole.

And I bogeyed it. Way to go, Brandon. Maybe this is why your relatives don’t talk to you anymore.

Casey was strangely playing Waverunner 64 around the island during this hole.

On the fifth hole, I hit one tree, and then another, and then I bogey the hole to go up +2. I’ve struck more wood in this game that a teenager looking at the latest swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated.

Casey points and laughs, but a virtual bird flying above drops a little present on his Mii’s head, who strangely looks like Matt Damon.

“Did you load up the Matt Damon Mii? Why?”

“I like Matt Damon.”

“….. get away from me”

I got a par on the 6th hole, but really screwed things up on the seventh, by three-putting for the double bogey and going up to +4 in the game.

However, hope was in sight, with only two holes left, I could get another high score on the game, as long as I didn’t screw things up.

I set myself up with a par on the eighth, while Casey flew a kite with his Matt Damon Mii. I had a four-shot cushion on my best score.

And then… the ninth hole. I was on stroke seven and I haden’t even gotten past the driving tees because of the water hazards and when I finally made it to the green, it was a lost cause.

I got a +5 on the hole. They don’t even have a cool bird nickname for that.

As I left the game in disgust, I noticed Casey and his Matt Damon Mii skipping off into the sunset.

It was then I realized that I hate golf, and Matt Damon.