Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Reviewed

It sucked.

It sucked so much.

It ruined my childhood.

Thanks George Lucas and Steven Spielberg for delivering one large turd of a movie and throw the Indiana Jones tag on it.

I'll try not to reveal too much about the flick but I would recommend to everyone out there to avoid the movie like the plague if they want to keep their memories of Indy in check.

First off, I'd like to say that when I'm in my 60s, I was to look as good as Harrison Ford. The man doesn't look his age in the movie but that could be because of makeup and CGI. God knows, Lucas went crazy in every other part of the movie so what was stopping him from de-aging Ford.

It's not the age of Ford that's distracting, but the movie does jump back from either making him some sort of mythical superhero figure (the dude survives a nuclear blast BY GETTING IN A FRIDGE) or a doddering fool. One of the great things about the original trilogy was that he was kind of your everyday kind of guy. He made mistakes, but he wasn't a circus act. That can't be said for this movie where at some points he seems like the mother of the group of adventures and tells them not to do things because it's too dangerous.

That's not Indy.

And the script. Oh the scripts. I just don't get it, they had 20 years to come up with a new script for this movie and we're left with some horrible trash that the X-Files would have rejected. The movie basically revolves around the crystal skulls that are the remains of aliens. Not space aliens, inter-dimensional aliens.

The dialogue is terribly un-natural, feels stilted, forced and full of mumbo-jumbo monologues that just serve to push the story to the next scene. This is a suprise since the scriptwriter was the same guy that gave us Raiders of the Lost Ark.

"Ah you see here the translation is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6! Press that lever right there and we can move to the next room."

I didn't think Shia LaBeouf (Who has had the success of being in every big movie for the past two and a half years) was bad in the movie as sidekick Mutt Williams. He's definitely a talented actor when it comes to his comedic ability.

So why the hell did Steven and George decided to make him a James Dean/Marlon Brando knockoff. Seriously? Shia LaBeouf? Make him a quirky, witty sidekick and not somebody that belongs in The Outsiders.

I just can't believe his character, just like I can't believe Cate Blanchett is a menacing communist villain. She is by far the worst Indy villain in all the movies and really just ends up bumbling around for the entire movie.

The action sequences are so full of CGI and suspend belief so much that they lose a lot of their power. My favorite action scene was a jungle chase involving a Soviet convoy that was very akin to the truck chase scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indy even busted out an RPG and I thought the movie was going to turn around and be somewhat entertaining.

Until Blanchett and LaBeouf had a sword fight between two speeding vehicles.

And then LaBeouf starting swing on jungle vines like Tarzan, complete with CGI monkeys swinging with him.

While the other Indy movies weren't models of realism, at not point were you like "that could never happen" or "that's ridiculous, I can't watch this."

Not so much in this movie, I think I heard 300 people roll their eyes when our stalwart heroes went over a waterfall and survived not once, but three times!

The excited premiere crowd was brimming with excitement before the movie started, but once the ending credits started rolling, most people just stood their in stunned silence.

What a load of crap.