July 11, 2009

How to be "that" Sounders FC fan

I've long been known to take it a little far. A friendly night of beer pong turns into me spraying a guy with a can of Raid. A trip to an Eastern Washington University basketball game turns into me wearing a hunters vest and a biking helmet, with no shirt under.

And then there's soccer. No way I can take it to far because fans in Europe kill one another. Phew! But it is possible to take it too far as a Sounders FC fan, so I have compiled a list.

1. Sit in a vat of green dye, meaning that you'll be this hue for not only the game but for the next week at work.

2. Name your first child "Kasey Keller", and your second child "Kasey Keller the second" and your third "Kasey Keller the hat trick."

3. Call hockey fans a bunch of wusses. Bad idea. They carry shanks... at least the people in Tri-Cities do.

4. Leave the Sounders FC players encouraging messages on their home phone answering machines. Make sure you only do this late at night and be sure to leave like four or five messages.

5. Call up NFL talk radio shows and say the Sounders are going to win the NFC this year.

6. Throw bottles at injured players. Oh wait.... Portland fans already do this. Ladies and gentlemen! You're Oakland Raider wannabe fans of the MLS. Punks....

7. Tell your girlfriend she needs to wear a Sounders jersey when you guys are making out.

8. Run out onto the grass at Safeco Field with a soccer ball and see if you can't dribble it past Ichiro.

9. Refer to the hair on your head and (censored but it has something to do with downstairs) as "the pitch."

10. Go to work wearing nothing by your scarf. SCARVES UP!

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