December 26, 2010

Things not to do in a movie...

There are just some things you don't do when you're in a movie. Here's a couple of pointers, make sure you dont...

1. Ask Clint Eastwood sitting at a saloon if he's got a pistol - Chances are things are going to end badly. Either (a) an outlaw not really keen on you nosing around about his armament or (b) he'll just shoot you for kicks and giggles because he's Clint Eastwood.

2. If you see an alien spacecraft, don't climb into it - When is the last time that things turned out great for somebody that did that. Usually they end up getting eaten, vaporized or getting their body taken over. Save the alien investigation for a History Channel reality TV show. Rather prefer one of those reality TV show people to get eaten, vaporized or have their body taken over.

3. Trust the insanely rich guy that may or may not have ties with the Nazis - Hmmm, he's going after the Holy Grail? He has aspirations for world domination? Something tells me he's not going to follow through with the deal you made with him. Chances are you're going to get tied up next to a fireplace with an insanely hot Austrian women who struggles with her accent.

4. Wear a red shirt in Star Trek - You're so boned, you don't even know it.

5. In an emergency situation, say screw it and break off from the group - When has this worked, especially when you're being chased by some sort of evil creature? Its an even worse idea if you're not the survival expert/badass warrior. In fact, if you're played by that fat guy off of "Seinfield" you're royally screwed.

6. Follow that that commanding officer with an Moby Dick complex - Unlike the situation above, if he wants to drive the ship or squad into a suicide mission, it might be better to go AWOL.

7. Leave the bad guy laying down without checking if he's dead - I mean how tough is this? Kick the bad guy a few times, put a round in his head just to make sure they're gone. If it's a supernatural being, chances are it's going to jump back up before the closing credits and hurt somebody.

8. Make love with the evil-looking hot chick that may or may not be alien - Because the person that does this never just dies, he usually has his appendages torn off in some horrifying fashion.

9. Say "Well thats over" - Because as we know, it's never over, until someone gets an ice pick to the face.

10. Challenge the main character to a fight - If it's a cybernetic Arnold Schwarzenegger, you're so getting your face shoved on a restaurant grill.

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