February 14, 2013

Why Felix stayed in Seattle...

Now that the Mariners have locked-up ace Felix Hernandez for probably the remainder of his awesome career (or at least the useful years of his career), Seattle fans can celebrate. Usually the big-name player in the Emerald City leaves and goes to a bigger market, but for some reason Felix decided to stay. Here's why the fireballer decided to remain in Seattle...

1. They're going to call it the "Felix Needle" - Remember the most recognizable landmark on the Seattle skyline? Yeah Felix owns that now, and he's calling it the Felix Needle. Justin Verlander doesn't have that now does he? Also what building in Detroit would you want your name on anyways?

2. Eventually, the Mariners said, Washington will invade Canada and Felix will be deposited as a real king - Since the Canadians have like 10 people in their army, the Washington National Guard could probably mop up pretty easily. At that point, the neighbors to our north will need some kind of royalty to follow and what about... King Felix?

3. Felix gets a free copy of Windows 9 - It hasn't even been designed yet, but he's got it. Thank you Microsoft!

4. The Mariners are changing their logo - And it's just going to be a mugshot of Felix.

5. Boston and New York called, by the Mariners picked up and said Felix wasn't home.

6. The Mariners threw in Sounders season tickets - And since Felix has never seen the postseason, he'll get to experience it for the first time... at Century Link Field.

7.  The Band KISS will now play - LIVE AT SAFECO FIELD - everytime Felix jogs out to the mound - Because after all, they're not doing anything else are they?

8. Felix also gets a lifetime supply of those large chicken drumsticks they hand out in the Kings' Court - The Mariners are praying he doesn't show up to Spring Training overweight.

9. There is a Promise that Felix will be traded to the Sonics once the NBA returns to Seattle - Have you seen this guy's jump shot?

10. Mariners told Felix that New York has just changed their uniforms to say "Seattle" on them and Yankee Stadium looks exactly like Safeco Field - They're hoping he doesn't notice when they actually play the New York Yankees.

(To buy a Felix jersey, go here.)

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