February 7, 2013
Your guide to becoming an NHL fan
I had to put the NHL standings in the newspaper's stat section last night for the first time because, you know, the league has been on strike for months. Having grown up loving sports, hockey has been a weird black hole for me - a sport that I just haven't been able to get into. I'm assuming that you just have to Canada-ize yourself in order to get the full effect of puck fever. So here are a few things you should get youself if you want to become a hockey fan...
1. A mullet - I've been to Spokane Chiefs games, I know what kind of crowd they attract. If you want to fit in, you've got to have a mullet. If you still want to be employable... maybe just get a wig instead.
2. A Canadian flag - This should be flown proudly every time you pour maple syrup on your breakfast. Which better include some sort of bacon.
3. An NHL video game - What better way to get into the great sport than to play it against people online and call them terrible names. That's what every red-blooded North American adult should do, as long as they pepper in regular fits of anger and accusations that the other player is somehow cheating with some online hack code.
4. Creepy NHL voodoo dolls - I mean what better way to celebrate the sport then to have a small doll of your favorite player, right? I mean that's not weird or anything... wait why are you putting pins and needles in that doll?
5. Car flag - Because everyone that sees you sporting this flag will say "hey that person is really cool and they have their priorities straight!" and "boy you know what I really like, someone shoving their sports fandom in my face!" ... so please look like a convoy of hockey awesome with these car flags.
6. NHL Apron - Everytime you're cooking bacon, make sure you have the proper gear on.
7. Slap Shot - Apparently you're not a hockey fan unless you've seen this movie. Just be aware of the slightly softcore porn scenes in this film...