Life after college...

Ever wonder why your favorite professional sports player (or in this case, Kyle Orton of the Chicago Bears) goes and does something really dumb at the bar? Because while every year numerous kids graduate from college, they don't actually graduate mentally for college. That transition usually comes after you have kids, marriage, mortgage and a swollen prostate. Hence when professional athletes get drafted, the don't become professional athletes overnight, they're still college kids -- just with a crapload of money.

Hence, Pacman Jones making it rain.

However, some things do change after college, and it's usually this:

1. In the eyes of your parents, you go from becoming a student full of promise working hard for good grades -- to a deadbeat without a job.

2. You suddenly feel old using Facebook.

3. Now instead of your college calling and asking why tuition hasn't been paid yet, it will be calling and asking for a donation as an alumni... every single week.

4. That crappy college car that was acceptable in society is now just a crappy car and any chance you had of getting a girlfriend is rusting away quicker than your front bumper.

5. If you wake up and go out in sweatpants, you're officially a douche.

6. Now when you talk to foreign exchange students you're just a creep.

7. Ultimate Frisbee is no longer cool.

8. However, company softball games are.

9. If you got back to watch one of your college's athletic events, you've got to wear a ridiculous sweaters or outdated hats celebrating it's 1993 bow game.

10. Fart wars kind of lose their luster.

We've all got AIDS

This comes from College Humor.

My Freshman year I pledged a fraternity with my best friend. One night we got drunk, used this text-to-voice program to call one of the actives that we didn't like, and left the following voicemail:Dear (your name) one or more of your sexual partners has HIV/AIDS. Please call (a number for a health clinic in town) to schedule testing.We figured the guy would realize it was all joke so we didn't bother telling him it was actually us that had called. Yeah, not so much. The guy spent the next 6 months convinced he had AIDS; his girlfriend left him once she found out, his parents were attending AIDS support groups with him, and to make matters worse the girl he had thought he got the virus from had sex with most of our fraternity, so EVERYONE had to get tested.After we were initiated we told the chapter what we had done, he threatened to sue me but nothing ever came of it. Long story short: Best. Phone call. Ever!

T.J., Centenary College of LA

... why am I laughing? I'm going to hell.

Welcome to college

It's been an interesting past couple of days at the Harvard of the West Plains, Eastern Washington University. First, we had this huge budget crisis with the students which resulted in me going into uber-collegiate journalist mode.

Which basically means I put a dress shirt on for the first time in a year.

And then throw on classes, tests, papers and the normal hoops and firepits and I think I've had exactly three wonderful hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

But, like, isn't this the normal college thing to do? I think that colleges get it all wrong when they market their school. Brochures usually have happy professors, lush green campuses (which by the way, is under snow during five months out of the year in Washington) and smiling students in co-ed dorm rooms.

Come on, that's fine if you're trying to sell a retirement community room to someone. Here's what schools should really being using to market themselves.

What would a school do with a legendary rock band? Have them be your spokesmen. Who else would be better suited to talk about partying everynight, getting sleep deprived, probably doing some sort of nasty drug and then live to tell about it?

That's right. Rock Stars.

So Universities, before you spend millions of dollars on a marketing campaign that's about as interesting as Carson Daly's late night show, you might want to look into marketing the fact that most college students develop all their health problems and addictions while in school.

I mean who wouldn't want to go to your institution then?