Epic Video: Patrick Ewing has apparently become Jessica Simpson

I know Patrick Ewing is naturally a big guy, and I know that once you stop playing in the most intense professional basketball league the world has that you're bound to gain a few pounds but geez, Ewing hasn't been that large since Shawn Kemp and him spent a few weekends out on the town in Seattle.

(Insert Shawn Kemp having a billion kids joke here) (Insert joke about Ewing's playing days in Seattle here)

Seriously, he's reaching Jessica Simpson two belts syndrome. Something tells me that Patrick Chewing has had a couple of snicker bars since he retired. I wonder if Charles Barkley and him go to the same gym.

Or Dunkin Doughnuts.

But hey, I still like Ewing, just like I still like Jessica Simpson. Because let's face it, there's plenty of fatter people out there. In fact, just take a trip down to your local Fred Meyers and walk down the chips isle. You'll probably have to turn sideways to get down the isle when "Dungeons and Dragons Grand Wizard and Doritos King" comes waddling down and blots out the sun.

Since I've developed my own spare tire, I really can't talk either. Oh well. So does that mean I can still call Jessica Simpson hot?

(I mean she eats hot dogs and beers with the guys AND played Daisy Duke? That's basically the Chewelah version of the dream woman)

What is it with Wal-Mart?

Here are some of the headlines that really jumped out at me today. (Yes, one of them even literally jumped)

First off is the story about the scorpion. Everyone knows scorpions are found in deserts, but what about on watermelons. In a Wal-Mart. In West Virgina. Yeah, not so much.

Megan Templeton, a 12 year-old girl was simply picking up a watermelon when a scorpion that was in the bin stung her. Apparently the scorpion had hitched a ride all the way from Mexico. Well, at least riding in watermelons is better than swimming.

Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an ad that featured Rachael Ray. Because she is wearing a black and white patterned scarf that somewhat resembles a grab worn by Arab men. Yeah, when I think terrorist I definitely think Rachael Ray.

In Tampa Bay, Florida, a nude maid is being accused of stealing $40,000 worth of jewelery. Apparently a 50-year-old man hired the maid to clean his house on Friday. She comes in, takes off her dress and works for $100 bucks an hour.

Now the catch is, that when his wife comes home from her trip she notices that a bunch of her jewelry is gone. My thing is, it seems she is more pissed about the jewelry than the fact her husband hired a nude maid to begin with. Well hey, at least the house work got done.

In more news of naked people, some thieves in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia robbed a house. But they did so in only their underwear. Apparently they thieves entered the house wearing only underwear, t-shirts over their faces and they were armed with knifes.

They took money and watches from the family after tying them up. The best thing is the quote from the police captain, "authorities don't know why the suspects were dressed that way." Yeah, I have a feeling the thieves don't either.