Worst fan ever

What a pile of crap. Or puke. However you want to box it up.

It seems an off-duty police captain took his two daughters — one 16 years old, the other 11 — to the Phillies' game against the Nationals the other night. They were soon set upon by the kind of gentlemen who give Philadelphia sports fans their reputation as urbane and terribly cosmopolitan.

"They were yelling vulgarities, obscene language," [Michael] Vangelo said Thursday.

Vangelo and his older daughter asked the men to stop, but that seemed to just cause more trouble, he said.

"I had beer thrown on me and water and then one individual started spitting at the back of my daughter's chair and he actually spit on my 11-year-old daughter," he said.

I'm so sick of Philly fans. You run out Donovan McNabb, the best QB in your cities history, you boo Santa Claus and I'm pretty sure you'd boo the pope if he were in attendance of a Phillies game.

The fans were ejected, and into the void stepped one Matthew Clemens.

"He leaned forward, he projectile vomited all over me and my daughter," Vangelo said with a look of hurt splashed across his face.

Clemens then began wailing on Vangelo after he pushed him away from the girl — hitting the off-duty officer in the head and neck, causing his ear to bleed, police said.

Surrounding fans jumped in to help subdue Clemens before he was arrested.

"He was still vomiting on the other fans that were holding him down," Vangelo said.

First off, what a sick bastard. Secondly, I hope it was the dad that got in a punch and caused that black-eye above. Let's put this guy in the category of "hopefully he never reproduces so we dont have to deal with D-bags like him ever again."

And with that said, I'm never going to any Philadelphia sporting event. Which is easy to say since I'm in Spokane.

Chuck E. Cheese assulted

Brandon has made it clear that there are not many things in the world that he dislikes more than sports parents. About the only thing that tops them are Griz fans. But that's for another post.

For this one, it's all about the parents.

Take the 34-year-old dad in a New Bedford, Massachusetts Chuck E. Cheese. The dad was fined $500 for assaulting the giant mouse. He thought Chuck had pinned his son against a videogame and picked him up by the arms.

Needless to say witness reports said that didn't happen and the dad was fined. But that only happened AFTER he took the mascots head off and then yelled his own off. The worst part, the family was there to celebrate their 11-year-old sons birthday.

Here's how I think the thing went down:

Chuck: "Hi kids. Who wants some pizza and free tokens?"
Kids hyped up on sugar: "We do! We do! We do! We do! We do! We do! We do! We do!"
Chuck: "Well here you go kids!" (as he throws tokens into the air. Some of which land under the pinball machine)
Son: "Aww, my tokens went under the pinball machine and I can't reach it."
Chuck: "Here, let me help you." (reaching under the machine for the tokens)
Dad: "Hey mouse! Did you steal my kids tokens?"
Chuck: "Well no sir. I was helping him get them."
Dad: "My son is the best pinball player his age. I bet you don't like that."
Chuck: "No sir. I was just helping him."
Dad: (face turning red now) "He don't need no help! Especially from a giant mouse."
Chuck: "Sorry sir." (as he goes to leave)
Dad: "Don't walk away mouse!" (Charging Chuck)
Chuck: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" (trying to run away)
Dad: "Come here you!" (rips off Chuck's head)
19-year-old kid in Chuck body without a head: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" (still running away. now crying)
Dad: "That will teach that mouse to mess with my son. The future in pinball greatness."
Son: "Dad, thanks for ruining my birthday."
Dad: "I only want you to be the best. Someday you'll thank me."

Now I know this probably isn't how it went down. But never the less, poor poor headless mascot Chuck E. Cheese.

How to know if someone is talking sports out of their butt

1. They'll go on for about 20 minutes how it's justified that they've gone from rooting for the Oakland Raiders (Super Bowl in 2003) to the Indianapolis Colts (Super Bowl in 2007) to the Pittsburgh Steelers (Super Bowl in 2009). Hmmm.

2. Says that the 2004 World Series didn't count because the Red Sox didn't beat the Yankees in the Series to win the championship. (Oh nevermind they came from behind 3-0 against in the ALCS to go to the WS, and that it's impossible for two AL teams to play in the Series. I'm just saying, somebody actually said this to me.)

3. They'll stand by their statement that Lebron James is not a great player, just a scorer. Then he'll reminisce about the days of Steve Kerr and that other white guy that played for the Lakers with glasses.

4. "Baseball's dumb. It's too slow paced of a game. Hold on, I'm going to turn the channel over to the World Series of Poker."

5. Talks about the chances of the Mariners making the playoffs this year with Griffey.

6. Thinks Tom Brady is a scrambling quarterback.

7. Yells at a pitcher in the sixth inning that he blew a save when that is actually impossible in the game of baseball (Guilty).

8. Asks if it's possible to throw the football through the uprights for a field goal.

9. Wonders when tryouts for the local "professional ball club" are being help as their looking to get back into the game that they haven't played in five years - figuring they haven't lost an smidge off that 6.9 40-time.

10. "What quarter is it? Is this baseball game ever going to end?"