How to get the Sounders FC on the winning track again

It's been a bit of a difficult run for the Sounders these past two weeks. First, they lost their first game of the season 1-0 to Kansas City at Qwest Field with Casey and I in attendance. In that game goalie Kasey Keller was given a red card, meaning that not only did the team have to play the rest (and majority) of the game one-man down, but he would also miss the next game.

Then yesterday without Keller they dropped their second match of the season to division-leading Chivas USA. Sounders FC star Fredy Montero missed an empty net shot at the beginning of the game, a miss that he admits changed the entire complexion of the match.

Now at 3-2, the Sounders have nine points and second place in the Western Conference. Not a bad spot, especially for an expansion team, but here's how they could get back to their winning ways...

1. Get Casey and I to play for the opposing team -
Casey played football, and I was scratched from one of my sixth-grade matches because I got my Velcro shoes all tangled up in the goal net. They had to cut me out.

2. Sign Youppi, the former mascot of the Montreal Expos - Not only is he an awesome mascot, but he also could add to the sex appeal to the team. What girl would not be taken aback by his rugged Canadian good looks.

3. Play against the Yankees - We're pretty sure they'd give up 22 goals in a soccer game too.

4. Get Sasquatch to play for the Sounders - Because what soccer player is going to say "You know what, I'll cover the hulking hairy mammoth that's known for eating livestock. Yep, that's me. No I'm not intimidated at all."

5. Employ the "Brandon Hansen playing FIFA 93 on the SNES" strategy - And slide tackle the hell out of everyone until they have to bring out the SNES Madden ambulance that runs over players standing out in the middle of the field.

So there you have it. Next up will the the San Jose Earthquakes at Qwest Field on April 25.

Man Card Rules: NFL Blitz instead of Madden

In honor of John Madden retiring, we must take a moment to remember the man that gave us one of the greatest sports games of all time.

Now it's the only NFL football game out there, but back in the day we had some options and still Madden was the best choice because it was realistic and had a fantastic amount of features.

That was, of course, unless you were the booger-eating wrestling fan that enjoyed NFL Blitz - one of the worst bastardizations of the game of football ever. It was like they took NBA Jam, gave them helmets and shoulder pads, turned on the computer assistance so every game was close and dumbed the game down to the point where a green vegetable could operate the controls.

The only kids that liked Blitz were marker-sniffers and Ritalin chompers.

Please, turn your man-card in.

John Madden retires

I just heard the news that John Madden told NBC that he will not be back for another season in the box.

All I can say is, thank goodness!

No more overly obvious statements:

"Well, you see, in order for the team to win today, they need to score more points than the other team."

Really? Is that how you win? I didn't know that.

"The team is down by 27, but I think they are playing a great game."

Are you watching the same game I am? They're loosing by 27!

"In order to establish the running game today, they need to run the ball."

And here I thought they need to pass it.

"Brett Favre is amazing. If he was in this game the team would win."

Gag.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round."

And it takes a lot longer to get there.

"See, that guy stopped the play by making what's called a tackle."

A tackle! Is that a new thing?

"I'm going to use my pen to circle a bunch of irrelevant stuff on the screen."

That's a lot of yellow markings.

"The camera view from the sky cam makes me feel like I can fly."

Are you drunk?

"And then he was like BOOM!"

Boom? Boom goes the dynamite?

Here's the official NBC Sports article on Madden's retirement.

NBC Sports: John Madden retires from broadcasting

Questions I have about the NFL

1. Why does John Madden and Al Michaels always seem to be talking about instant replay disputes?
Seems like everytime I turn on Sunday Night Football, Al Michaels is going "and it looks like, John, this play is going to be overturned..."

"That's right Al, now you see here, the player went out of bounds, because his foot went outside the line."

Is there a stat tracker on how many replay challenges there are on Sunday Night games because I swear that's all these two do, that and talk about John Madden's food preferences.

2. Why are New York Giants fans much more likable than New York Yankees fans?
While there has to be some crossover, watching games makes me think that they're completely different fan bases. I don't know what it is, but there's something very admirable about rooting for Eli Manning as your quarterback, doing it in near sub-zero temperature, and watching some truly god-awful Giants teams of the past. Which brings me to my next question...

3. Why do I suddenly like Eli Manning?

It's like when you return from summer break to college and a girl that never really caught your eye has become hot. Granted, what probably helped Eli was being named Super Bowl MVP. It's an amazing transformation, it's like that girl was once a mammoth, with several moles on her face, a lazy eye, bad BO and a considerable lisp suddenly turned into Jessica Alba.

Don't know how that happened. I just don't get that "Eli is going to screw this game up feeling" anymore.

4. Why have the Seahawks won two straight?

And now they're peddling away their first-round draft pick.

5. How bad is the NFC West?

Well the division's champion, the Arizona Cardinals, lost 47-7 to the New England Patriots this week. I watched the game and was struck by the fact that for the first time ever, the Patriots were not trying to run up the score. They were doing everything they could to not score short of kneeling down, yet the Cardinals were giving up 20 yard runs between the tackles. Just sad.

At least it provided for some nice visuals as it was very snowy there.

6. Why does the media totally suck up to the Steelers?

So the Titans beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-14 this week to get the first seed in the AFC. After all this hype about how Tennessee peaked too soon and "here come the Steelers!" it all equated to nothing more than a wet fart.

Seriously, Pittsburgh... I'm glad you can beat the Ravens and their half-brained offense, the underachieving Browns and the hapless Bengals. Good for you, now we'll see how you do in the playoffs.

I hate how the media always crowns them Super Bowl favorites. Always. Every single year. If they're even remotely 10 victories, they're considered awesome. Why?

What people are thinking...

With our handy-dandy mind-reader we've been able to figure out what certain people have been thinking after the Super Bowl...

Eli Manning: Dinosaurs are cool! Look I can make a dinosaur noise, RAWRRR! See, didn't that sound like a dinosaur.

Bill Belicheck: Well apparently I get a rebate on selling my soul to the devil now.

Terry Bradshaw: I smell jerky!

Las Vegas: Awwww, hell.

Rex Grossman: If Eli can do it than I can do! Come on, right guys? Why are you taping me to my locker again guys? What's that big nest of bees doing over there... and why are you putting honey on my chest right now?

Peyton Manning: I'm so proud of my little brother. Thank goodness we started doing commercials together. The League of the Future will catch on.

Tom Coughlin: Now maybe NY will stop wanting to fire me. Please?

Trent Green: What? The season is over? When did this happen? I don't even remember it.

John Madden: I could use a Tur-duck-hen. Does Bradshaw have Jerky?

Jeremy Shockey: Ha! Try and win without me guys. Try and beat the Patriots, yeah that's right, I'm going to get wasted up in the luxury suite on national television and you guys can just go pound sand. Oh wait.. damn... you're winning... stop that you're ruining my free agent contract! Plex -- I thought we were tight man.

Joe Buck: How'd you like my performance in my Super Bowl commercial? Why won't you acknowledge me off the air Troy? I am not a joke, Troy? People are not laughing behind my back, Troy? Did you fall asleep again, Troy?

Jerry Manning: Man, wow, sucks being the older brother.

Archie Manning: I'm glad that early 70s microwave accident didn't ruin any of my stock.

Tom Petty: Glad I got that hair dye just in time.

Kurt Warner: I remember that feeling. Instead now I am a backup in the state where the Super Bowl was just held.

Brett Favre: "There was an old woman, who lived in a shoe..."

'72 Dolphins: Thank you Giants. Eli, we love you. Eh em. We mean....that love....it was simply platonic.

Tony Romo: Jessica, heehee. Tickle fight!

Tom Brady: Hello ladies. How you doin?

Peter Griffin: SHAPOOPEE!

Roger Clemens: You know you all should really pay attention to the Super Bowl. I mean forget about baseball, it's really not America's sport anymore. Forget about baseball. Steriods, yeah forget about those too. And uh, just forget about me as well please, and make sure to check back in when they do the Hall-of-Fame voting.

Jake Plummer: I need some comfort food.

Tiki Barber: Well that couldn't have gone any worse for me. Unless of course snakes rained from the sky and bit me. Then that might be considerably worse, but otherwise it's been a pretty terrible weekend for me.

Randy Moss: I should have stayed in Oakland and starred in that animated feature "Space Blitz" with Bugs Bunny and Blippo the amazing pot lighter. Oh, that was a hallucination, great, now I'm glad I came here.

Blink 182: We should get back together to do the half-time show.

The State of Montana: The NFL says that we are the 53 state in line for a team if they expand. Behind Hawaii, L.A., London and Guam.