Further proof that Pittsburgh Steelers fans are douchbags

Michael Vick would be horrified right now. Who the hell in their right mind DOES THIS?

A witness called Bridgeville police at 1:09 p.m. after a suspect, who was supposed to have been walking the dog, was kicking it down the street instead, according to a police affidavit.

Ms. Gielarowski told police her boyfriend kicked the dog because the pup would not walk with them. When the near lifeless dog no longer was able to move, Mr. Woodson walked away from it and his girlfriend, she told police.

"He admitted the dog would not behave prior to the Steelers game and that he became upset at it," according to the affidavit.

Listen, I know west coast sports fans might not be as passionate as their east coat counterparts, but instances like this show you just how screwed up priorities are by meat heads in the Rust Belt cities. I would never want to live in a sports culture like that. Grow up and realize it's just a stinking game.

Epic Photo: Well, this is ironic.

And oh, so funny.

From College Humor.

The legal problems have not distracted Big Ben

I'm not going to try and analyze the first game of the season and try to come up with some all-encompassing statement. And I'm not going to rant about how much the Steelers always have a game like this (playing good jussst enough to win).

Instead, I'm going to do the progressive thing and mention the things I'm doing to erase the 13-10 overtime loss by the Tennessee Titans from the backside of my skull.

1. Cribbage It's a wonderful card game that old people and single men play. I'm single, therefore, I play cribbage.

2. Watching the Dark Knight and swearing that it's actually Stephon Marbury playing the mentally unstable, destructive Joker.

3. Drinking lots of beer with Diana Taurasi. What could possibly go wrong?

Epic Photo: Towels aren't the only terrible things in Pittsburgh

Ladies and gentlemen, Steeler nation!

(GAG!)

Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow?

1. Stomping on terrible towels.

2. Making bad and inappropriate jokes about Big Ben's current legal situation.

3. Wearing my Titans gear, complete with a very interesting set of socks. (Coming up next on "Reasons why you're still single...)

4. Writing my 500-page book about how the 1970s Pittsburgh Steelers were on 'roids.

5. Debating whether or not I want to name my first child LenDale White Hansen or Michael Roos Hansen ... or Rodney Stuckey Hansen. It's a toss up.

6. Throw Busch Light cans every time they flash the Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl wins graphic.

7. Watch TITANS-STEELERS, Thursday night, NBC.

More bad news about the Red Sox

I guess we saw this coming and I guess it's not 100 percent credible since the source isn't official but "lawyers with knowledge of the results"...

Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, the sluggers who propelled the Boston Red Sox to end an 86-year World Series championship drought and to capture another title three years later, were among the roughly 100 Major League Baseball players to test positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, according to lawyers with knowledge of the results.

Weren't these tests supposed to be anonymous? Whatever, it doesn't really bug me that much since the amount of steroid use all around baseball was off the charts anyways, this doesn't really tarnish the championships of the Red Sox.

And if any Yankee fan wants to say otherwise, should I start listing off the great Yankee players that tested positive for steroids as well. Lets just say the great New York Dynasty of the 90s was fueled by needles and chemicals. Now lets get ready for all those sports writers on Around the Horn to start thumping their chests about steroids and morality and crap like that.

Even though they wont mention that the Steel Curtain of the 1970s was as about 'roided up as you can get. Love these NFL suck-ups.

If Seahawk fans say something stupid about this, I'll punch them

The same Seahawk fan in me that still wants to complain about the referees in Super Bowl XL wants to make some snide comment about this news story, but in the end, this just blows (literally).

PITTSBURGH -- A casino employee is suing Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, accusing him of sexual assault at a Nevada hotel.

The story was broken on Monday evening by ProFootballTalk.com, which reported that Harrah's casino employee Andrea McNulty filed the civil lawsuit last week in Washoe County, Nev., stemming from an alleged incident at a hotel room in July 2008.

Roethlisberger is not facing any criminal charges, and it's unclear if McNulty ever tried to file a criminal complaint before taking legal action against him.

Ummm... you didn't file a criminal charge? Hmm, that's odd. It's like the reason you're doing this is trying to get money from him. That's not fishy or anything.

Either way, Big Ben's public image is screwed and now I'll have to listen to this for the next six months on ESPN radio. While I try not to downplay the seriousness of sexual assault, the fact that this woman decided to take it to civil court first makes me think she's has other motives BUT if that proves not to be the case, I will certainly right the ship and apologize.

Overall, just a mess.

Things NOT to bring to a BBQ

The weather is awesome tonight and before the Jay Mohr show, we're having a barbecue at my sister's house.

It is a "bring a dish" kind of barbecue . A potluck if you will of barbecue goodness.

It never fails though, someone will always bring something gross. Here's the JustSON Top 10 items NOT to bring to a barbecue.

1. Nothing. Yeah, don't be THAT guy. If you show up with nothing and try to eat one of my burgers I might have to push you off the deck.

2. Soy milk. Seriously? WTF?!!

3. One single beverage. Dude, come on. Let's go back to elementary school, either you bring enough for everyone or you don't get any. Also, don't show up with the Rainier and then drink all the Red Hook.

4. Veggie burgers. Gross! Usually this is the same person that brought the soy milk.

5. The same potato salad. Yes, the same one that you brought to the last barbecue of the summer in 2008. I can tell it's the same because of the extra green fuzz on the potatoes.

6. A pitcher of water. Ummm....pretty sure that I could get that out of a tap. Go home.

7. A live cow. That'd be like bringing a pig to a bacon party. If I can't throw it on the grill as it is, don't bring it.

8. A Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. Yeah, you I would definitely push you off the porch.

9. A full stomach. You're supposed to come hungry to eat the food. Not show up, eat a green bean and say you're good.

10. Something gross or not the "norm" of barbeque food. This means no sheep eyes, no sushi, no goat hoof, no cow udder, no buffalo dung, no ostrich throat. I don't care how "tasty' you say they are, the answer is no.

Boy, the Pittsburgh Pirates do suck

And I don't feel sorry for them, because Pittsburgh also has the Steelers.

But the Pirates are going to be horrible this year and we can already tell because in spring training they lost to Manatee Community College 6-4 today.

Yes that's right, a community college.

Now granted most of the players during spring training usually return to the minor leagues, but we're still talking about a two-year college beating a team that pays their players millions... errrr thousands (small payroll :D). You'd think there would be some discrepancy in talent there.

Ladies and Gentlemen your 2009 Pittsburgh Pirates!

Reasons why you're still single

You brag about being a Denver Broncos fan.

OR...

You've mentioned the phrase "Sixburgh BAYBEEEE!" to your friends in the past week.

A vote for Cards is a vote for change

Tomorrow is the big day. No not Brandon's wedding, I'm talking about the Super Bowl. As a Seahawks fan, I'm of course rooting for the Arizona Cardinals.

Here are the reasons why you should too:

-Pittsburgh was given this last Super Bowl win. Thanks refs.
-Kurt Warner has again risen from the depths to take a normally crappy team to the Super Bowl. AGAIN. Here's a fun note, the team that had the worst record one season and then made it to the big game the next season: The 1999 St. Louis Rams. The second team: this years Cardinals. What do these two teams have in common?
-No one wants to see one franchise have 6 Super Bowl wins.
-Terrible Towels are lame. The only thing worse is free "spirit" towels at Eastern football games that are really just used towels from the Red Lion Inn.
-The Cardinals have always been bad. Yes, I rooted for the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series for that same reason.
-The Steelers uniforms are ugly.
-So are their cheerleaders. (Ok, I'm not really sure on that one, but that's the word around the street)
-The Cardinals remind me a lot of the Seahawks. As a franchise they have always been bad, yet somehow still have fans who support them. Then, one magical season, the team learns how to win. Oh, and the last team standing between them and destiny, the Steelers.
-Did I mention the Steelers were given their last Super Bowl?
-You know Madden is rooting for the Steelers. Madden also says the dumbest comments. "You know how that there team will win today? Well, in order for them to win they have to score more points than that other team." (Thanks)

Oh, and if you root for the Steelers than you are no better than the hordes of bandwagon fans of the Patriots. Who, after last season, suddenly all seemed to fall off the face of the earth. Where did all those Pats fans go? I used to see them everywhere. Now, not so much.

The year of the bird

Brandon put down his NFL Championship weekend pics a few days ago. Now it's time for mine.

First up, the game being played in the staduim which is named after a college, but the college has no football team and is actually not located in the same city as the stadium. Whew...

Also, I think it is just awesome that the number 4 seed is hosting the championship game. That just is NEVER supposed to happen.
Cardinals and Eagles

This is a rematch of the NFC Championship game back in 2001. Warner vs. McNabb. Warner led the Rams to their second Super Bowl in three years that season. And this year, he leads the Cardinals to their first ever modern day Super Bowl. History repeats.

Cardinals 34, Eagles 24

Ravens and Steelers

In the second game we have the "gag me" Steelers playing at home against the third bird team in the championships, the Ravens. Now the Ravens haven't had a bye since week 2 thanks to hurricane damage to the Texans stadium. In addition to that, did you watch last weeks game against the Titans? Wow that was one hard fought, hard hitting, no punches held game. That really beat up this Ravens team. The Pittsburgh "still gratefull to the refs for giving us Super Bowl XL" Steelers win another hard fought grundge match against the Ravens.

Steelers 14, Ravens 13

So I see a Cardinals vs Steelers Super Bowl on February 2nd. Go Cards!

Bad Luck Ben

Seahawks fans will probably be happy, which provides and interesting moral dilemma for people that aren't completely insane for their NFL team.

Playing in a meaningless end-of-the-season game against the Browns, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin was playing his starters so they wouldn't have to shake off three weeks of not playing once they hosted a playoff game.

That obviously backfired when Ben Roethlisberger was carted off the field in a stretcher after suffering a concusion.

Doh!

Now I'll be the first one to say that I never liked Big Ben as a player, but as a person, the poor guy has had quite a bit of bad luck. Remember the motorcycle accident he got into a couple years back? While Roethlisberger wears a helmet on the field, he apparently thought that the threat of an automobile accident wasn't that big of deal and went sans protection on his bike. Oops.

Didn't they have to pick his teeth of the pavement?

Now should Seahawks fans rejoice in this bad luck event for the Steelers, who won the Super Bowl that we shall not mention anymore aiding by the zebra-striped men we will also not mention?

A concussion is no laughing matter, and it seems that the Steeler's quarterback is now becoming quite familair with head injuries. If he remembers his name by age 70, he'll be lucky.

However, the whole juxaposition of a meaningless regular season game, the fact that it was against the hapless Browns and the thought of Byron Leftwitch lining up under center in the playoffs for Pittsburgh is something to giggle about a litte.

But hey, Big Ben, get better, so I can make fun of you again.

Questions I have about the NFL

1. Why does John Madden and Al Michaels always seem to be talking about instant replay disputes?
Seems like everytime I turn on Sunday Night Football, Al Michaels is going "and it looks like, John, this play is going to be overturned..."

"That's right Al, now you see here, the player went out of bounds, because his foot went outside the line."

Is there a stat tracker on how many replay challenges there are on Sunday Night games because I swear that's all these two do, that and talk about John Madden's food preferences.

2. Why are New York Giants fans much more likable than New York Yankees fans?
While there has to be some crossover, watching games makes me think that they're completely different fan bases. I don't know what it is, but there's something very admirable about rooting for Eli Manning as your quarterback, doing it in near sub-zero temperature, and watching some truly god-awful Giants teams of the past. Which brings me to my next question...

3. Why do I suddenly like Eli Manning?

It's like when you return from summer break to college and a girl that never really caught your eye has become hot. Granted, what probably helped Eli was being named Super Bowl MVP. It's an amazing transformation, it's like that girl was once a mammoth, with several moles on her face, a lazy eye, bad BO and a considerable lisp suddenly turned into Jessica Alba.

Don't know how that happened. I just don't get that "Eli is going to screw this game up feeling" anymore.

4. Why have the Seahawks won two straight?

And now they're peddling away their first-round draft pick.

5. How bad is the NFC West?

Well the division's champion, the Arizona Cardinals, lost 47-7 to the New England Patriots this week. I watched the game and was struck by the fact that for the first time ever, the Patriots were not trying to run up the score. They were doing everything they could to not score short of kneeling down, yet the Cardinals were giving up 20 yard runs between the tackles. Just sad.

At least it provided for some nice visuals as it was very snowy there.

6. Why does the media totally suck up to the Steelers?

So the Titans beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-14 this week to get the first seed in the AFC. After all this hype about how Tennessee peaked too soon and "here come the Steelers!" it all equated to nothing more than a wet fart.

Seriously, Pittsburgh... I'm glad you can beat the Ravens and their half-brained offense, the underachieving Browns and the hapless Bengals. Good for you, now we'll see how you do in the playoffs.

I hate how the media always crowns them Super Bowl favorites. Always. Every single year. If they're even remotely 10 victories, they're considered awesome. Why?

Paradise just LOST

The Miami Dolphins have started clearing house already. Releasing nine players today, including quarterback Trent Green. Green had spent the 2007 season on IR after suffering his second serious concussion.

But now the Dolphins, who are a franchise that is barely floating, need to acquire a quarterback. And fast. Because like the ABC show, they are just LOST right now.

Now this team, which has lacked a leader at coach all year, is now without a leader on the field. This is worse than when Kerry Collins just gave up on the Panthers.

Most draft boards have the Dolphins picking a defensive lineman in the draft with the number one pick. But the truth is, the Fins have an aging defensive and a non existent offense. But a rookie quarterback is not the answer for this team. They need a veteran leader who can take charge on the field, and in the locker room.

Plus, the quarterback class this year is less than stellar. Yes, I said stellar. Here's my suggestion to Bill Parcells.

Trade the number one pick for a quarterback and a later pick in the draft. There are a ton of defensive lineman this year.

So Mr. Parcells, here are the teams I believe you should be courting:

1. Arizona Cardinals- Kurt Warner

Who better to help jump kick this rebuilding than a two time NFL MVP and a Super Bowl winner? Warner didn't have a horrible year. Heck, he did better than Eli Manning did during the regular season. Plus, with Matt Leinart in Arizona, Warner won't start. Leinart is the QB of that franchise.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers- Charlie Batch

Batch is one of those quarterbacks that hardly ever gets a chance to play, but when he does he shines. You have to forget about his time in Detroit. Time spent there doesn't really count (unless you are Barry Sanders). Batch would be a great addition to the Dolphins, he's kinda the Trent Dilfer style quarterback. He doesn't make mistakes, but he doesn't really make plays either. He just doesn't mess up.

3. Dallas Cowboys- Brad Johnson

Johnson isn't a long term fix. He would just be a bandaid for the short term. Someone to help groom a younger quarterback, rather than toss them straight into the fire of a Patriots defense. Plus, somehow Johnson knows how to win games. Look at what he did last year in Minnesota.

Well, no matter what the Dolphins do, it will be a long time before they are back into the play-offs. They still have to play the New England Patriots twice, but at least they have Buffalo.