My Fast Food Horror Story

This weekend when I went to the March Madness of Central Washington - the State 1A/2A Basketball Tournaments in Yakima - you know that city that reminds you of District 9? I was obviously at the mercy with what was available for food on the run in between games. Naturally I could have gone to a super market and buy like sandwich material, but who does that? The Amish?

The result, much to the chagrin of my conscious, is that I ate a lot of fast food. In fact, the only thing I ate was fast food. The workers there recognized me by the second day and by the third day they called me "Mr. Hansen" and had my order up before I asked for it.

My choices? The holy trifecta of suck - Seven Eleven, Dairy Queen and Taco Bell. In other words, had I stayed a week longer, I would have weighed like 300 pounds.

Now lately I've been that insufferable healthy eating douche that goes for veggies and soup, low-calorie options that allow me not to turn into Jabba the Hutt. Before going to Yakima, I had cut out fast food almost entirely out of my diet. I also became a Buddhist, was looking to campaign for world peace and turned into a hippie. Because that's what people that don't eat fast food do.

Remember "Super Size Me." I always thought that movie was a load of bull, but I had my own personal experience with what is feeding America's fat problem.

I'm not joking, not trying to get on a soapbox. It was just seriously shocking to me and my body, as to just how crappy our fast food is. It's like the Washington Wizards of a dining experience. Now my body wasn't exactly use to high grease, high calorie servings I was stuffing in my face, but that's no excuse for it making me physically sick after eating. Food from the supermarket doesn't do that. Here's some things I've noticed...

1. When you first walk into the fast food joint, a wave of grease hits you - Ahhh America. You can feel your arteries just hardening when you walk in the door. You've got to walk past the desert pie tray and stand in line because the place is packed - because everybody eats fast food now. You kind of don't want to touch anything because it's greasy to the touch, even the other customers. Also note, you don't see thin people at a fast food restaurant. Look around. They're not there. They're at the gym.

2. Those poor, poor fast food workers - They get paid minimum wage and they have to deal with 400 pounders getting angry when they don't put tomatoes on their triple-decker cheeseburger. You know, cause that tomato was totally going to offset the 6,500 calories they were about to consume. Its seriously a terrible, thankless job. And what happens if one of the people falls out of their scooters? You'll need a crane to get them back into it.

3. Kids, everywhere - Glad to see the future of America getting a nice dose of fast food that will no doubt give them a wonderful case of childhood obesity. Also note that parents are at least 10 times ruder when they have kids. They don't come up to the counter when their number is called because they're too busy pulling their kids off an exposed electrical outlet. They push you out of the way to get their 40 items they got for their 8 kids. Oh, and the world doesn't have an overpopulation problem. It made me want to get snipped and trust me, guys don't want to get snipped.

4. The food is disappointing - Does anyone ever feel happy about diving into two cheeseburgers and a large fry. I look at it like "oh boy, this is gonna be gross. I am a failure as a human being." Remember when we were hunter gatherers and we like gave thanks to the gods for providing us a great elk or bear that we had to kill with our own hands? Boy have the mighty fallen.

5. The aftermath - I had a food coma for the first time in a year, and wasn't exactly spry on my feet for the state tournament games. Lets just say I didn't stand up a whole lot.

Its pretty evident that fast food is just not for me anymore. I believe I'm going to go full-on hippie, eat tree bark and lentil beans, and probably live up in a Redwood.

(Here's a book on how you can eat healthier)

Taco Bell pulled an ad that mocked vegetables

Taco Bell has dropped the gloves for their latest ad, going all in to make fun of vegetables. Considering they've probably added to the country's obesity problem by leaps and bounds, it seems rather counter-productive to be making fun of healthy food.

But then again, Taco Bell does continue to come up menu items that cause instant heart attacks.

The attack on vegetables, however, has drawn some criticism and the fast food chain has pulled their ad. 

NEW YORK -- Taco Bell is pulling a TV ad after receiving complaints that it discouraged people from eating vegetables.

The ad by the fast-food chain was touting its variety 12-pack of tacos, with a voiceover saying that bringing a vegetable tray to a party is "like punting on fourth and one." It said that people secretly hate guests who bring vegetables to parties.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a health advocacy group, this weekend urged people to tweet their complaints about the ad and the chain quickly made the decision to pull it.

But just wait until next week when they release the World's Largest Burrito or something like that.

Well I'm glad I don't live in the UK at the moment

Say what you will about the terrible diet of Americans, but at least when we eat a burger, it consists of the right type of meat. There has been a bit of a problem in the UK concerning its burgers and... well... horses.

Tests conducted by the Food Safety Authority of Ireland (FSAI) in conjunction with Britain's Food Standards Agency have determined that beef burgers sold by Tesco, Iceland, Lidl, Aldi, and Dunnes Stores across the UK and Ireland contained at least trace amounts of horse DNA. The most egregious offender by far was the Tesco Everyday Value Beef Burger, which was said to consist of nearly 30% horse meat. All contaminated beef burgers were supplied to the supermarkets by three processing plants: Liffey Meats and Silvercrest Foods in Ireland, and Dalepak Hambleton in the UK.

Considering that horses are fairly similar animals to cows, I don't know why this grosses me out so much but it does. It is also rather shocking that the companies were rather unaware that horses were somehow finding their way into the meat. Perhaps they need a sign that shows them the difference between cows and horses.

This does continue to push the stereotype that the British have terrible food. If I ever go on a trip over there I'm just drinking the beer.

(If this post makes you want to join PETA... well I don't blame you if you buy this t-shirt.)

Free Fries at Jack in the Box tomorrow

It's no surprise that since Brandon and I are bloggers, our diets haven't changed since we were starving college students.

So tomorrow, Friday, April 16, Jack in the Box is giving away free fries. We so have dinner now!

The Northwest stinks when it comes to food

I love the Northwest. It's the perfect place for me to backpack around in my sandals and talk about how great soccer is and how we need universal healthcare. There's also plenty of Brazilian flute bands and Canadians to give the area a fully-rounded feel to it.

However, when it comes to food, what does the Northwest have? Consider the following regional food designations...

Northeast - Clam Chowder and Dunkin Donuts
South - Everything fried and bad for you
Midwest - Pretty much anything BBQ or involving beer.
Northwest - ??? Starbucks?
The rest of the West - Carl's Jr.

You see the regional crises that we're having? What is the Northwest known for? One guess would be apples, but those are grown and you actually don't do any "cooking" so to speak of.

What does that leave us with?

There's some wineries along the Columbia, making us a bunch of snobs. There's potatoes in Idaho which means we are pretty good in the minds of the Irish. There are goats cows in Montana, but they don't use them for cooking (eww) and there's seafood along the coast, but it's not as well known as seafood from Maine and Alaska (where the crabs are on roids).

It's so depressing, I may just go to McDonalds.

Lady calls 911 because McDonalds out of McNuggets

How can you resist the power of chicken McNuggets? These little bundles of you are bite-sized and absolutely delicious to pop in your mouth. They have a strange, strange affect on people too - 

A woman called 911 after her local McDonalds had run out of McNuggets.

A medical emergency for sure.

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted, "I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report. That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system. Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, "this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency."

You know, I was at McDonalds the other night and the guy at the drive-thru told me that all transactions had to be cash because their system was down. Luckily I had a couple bucks in my wallet, otherwise I would have called 911 at one in the morning to resolve this issue - instead, I chowed down on fries and a double cheeseburger.

Now if you will excuse me, my office chair has apparently decided to adhere itself to my very large butt.

Golden Arches

I just saw a poll that said 60 percent of Americans are cutting down on Christmas gifts this year due to financial reasons. When a CNN anchor read that news, she called it a tragedy...

Wait, what? So little Johnny doesn't get a miniature Power Wheels Hummer to cruise around the block. Excuse me for being a little jaded, but the news that Americans are actually saving money is a bit promising. Maybe everyone wont be in thousands of dollars of debt after the Holiday season.

It seems that the ol' USA is taking on the recession with the same vigor and attitude of an old lady on life support.

Look at McDonalds, which has recorded a growth in sales...

How ironic is that? The much-maligned burger joint is taking in profits while everyone is either asking the government for money or just going under.

Why? Because people eat food. McDonalds provides food. It seems pretty cut and dry. Americans eat a lot of food and don't want to wait for it. If you put out a product people will eat and balance your books, you'll be fine.

As Jake from Just Southeast of Northwest said "McDonalds knows what theyre doing, remember Morgan Sperlock? Precisely, not many people do anymore."

And this is coming from the biggest college conservative hippie I know. Morgan Sperlock produced that anti-McDonalds documentary where he basically ate nothing but McDonalds for an entire month.

He, of course, had serious medical problems.

But you know what? If I ate just celery for a month straight I would probably have the same thing happen for me. Sperlock's argument is fundamentally flawed in the fact that humans need diversified diets.

McDonalds is just a small slice of that food selection, and they package it right and lots of people obviously eat there. That's how America works.

I know this guy...

So most normal people going through the drive thru that are high usually just order an absurd amount of food because they have the munchies. Or they mispronounce the menu items. Or they give the cashier four 100 dollar bills by mistake.

But they usually don't try to pay the cashier with pot.

VERO BEACH, Fla. - A McDonald's cashier called 911 after a Vero Beach drive-thru customer allegedly offered to pay for his meal with marijuana. The Indian River County Sheriff's Office said the cashier called Monday with a description of the vehicle the suspect had been riding in.

A deputy spotted the vehicle, found marijuana in the car and arrested its occupant, 27-year-old Shawn Alexander Pannullo.

Pannullo was charged with possession of cannabis and posted $500 bail. It was unclear if he had an attorney.

That last line cracks me up. I'm going to guess "no" on the attorney. You'd better be grateful if he shows up to his court date with pants on. I'm shocked not by the fact that the guy offered the cashier marijuana, but because the cashier didn't take it as payment. What is this world coming to if fast food workers aren't stoners?