Strange commercials

The first NFL game of the season is complete and the Saints won 14-9. But the real story here is that there are new commercials on TV.

Some good, some bad and some just very strange.

Here were the strange:

First, this one is for Brandon. It's the thing he loves most in the world, McDonald's, and the thing he's most scared of in the world, bears. All in one bizarre commercial.



Second we have Ray Lewis trying to be the Old Spice guy. Only in a fantasy world. A bizarre, drugged up, Spokane filled fantasy world.

Blue M&Ms are wonder drugs

I'm going to run out and buy a Costco-sized vat of blue M&Ms now. This is amazing.

(CNN) -- The same blue food dye found in M&Ms and Gatorade could be used to reduce damage caused by spine injuries, offering a better chance of recovery, according to new research.

Researchers at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that when they injected the compound Brilliant Blue G (BBG) into rats suffering spinal cord injuries, the rodents were able to walk again, albeit with a limp.

The only side effect was that the treated mice temporarily turned blue.

While I'm glad I can eat M&Ms and to say that I'm recovering from a spinal cord injury, I wonder how the hell the University got the backing to do a study on blue M&Ms.

"Gentlemen, we're breaking new ground in the study of M&Ms and we need your backing, please send your checks to the alumni office."

Actually if Eastern Washington University came out with studies saying that McDonalds was good for you, I'd send them a fatty check too.

The Northwest stinks when it comes to food

I love the Northwest. It's the perfect place for me to backpack around in my sandals and talk about how great soccer is and how we need universal healthcare. There's also plenty of Brazilian flute bands and Canadians to give the area a fully-rounded feel to it.

However, when it comes to food, what does the Northwest have? Consider the following regional food designations...

Northeast - Clam Chowder and Dunkin Donuts
South - Everything fried and bad for you
Midwest - Pretty much anything BBQ or involving beer.
Northwest - ??? Starbucks?
The rest of the West - Carl's Jr.

You see the regional crises that we're having? What is the Northwest known for? One guess would be apples, but those are grown and you actually don't do any "cooking" so to speak of.

What does that leave us with?

There's some wineries along the Columbia, making us a bunch of snobs. There's potatoes in Idaho which means we are pretty good in the minds of the Irish. There are goats cows in Montana, but they don't use them for cooking (eww) and there's seafood along the coast, but it's not as well known as seafood from Maine and Alaska (where the crabs are on roids).

It's so depressing, I may just go to McDonalds.

How to know if the restaurant you're at is cheap

Apparently IHOP has started to charge 50 cents for a cup of water, signaling the downfall of human civilization.

Here are more signs that the restaurant you're eating at is cheap as hell.

1. That napkin dispenser requires a quarter before you can use them.

2. Your french toast is served on the table without a plate. That's an extra two dollars for the handling fee.

3. You can choose between the "vermin" and "cockroach" section.

4. Your french toast looks strangely like a bunch of McDonalds fries with syrup on it.

5. The menus are actually scribbled drawings on napkins.

6. The only special is the prime rib for your first born.

7. You have to tip the waitress by putting a dollar bill in her thong.

8. The restrooms are spotless because they know you'll be using it after the meal.

9. If it's your birthday, instead of singing you a song, they charge you double.

10. Adam Morrison is working there.

Check it out... I'm actually healthy

Good news everyone! To all you calorie counters out there that like to make fun of my McDonalds eating habits and rather prominent stomach, go to hell! Because I'm going to live longer than you.

A new Japanese study found that people who are a little chubby at the age of 40 tend to live a surprising six to seven years longer than their skinny counterparts.

"We found skinny people run the highest risk," said Shinichi Kuriyama, an associate professor at Tohoku University's Graduate School of Medicine who helped conduct the study.

"We had expected thin people would show the shortest life expectancy but didn't expect the difference to be this large," he added.

This has to be one of the best days of my life. It's okay if I have a little junk in my ginger trunk because in the end, I'll be the cool guy in the nursing home spinning wheelies while all you thin people are there are taking you diabetes medicine. Have fun!

"It's better that thin people try to gain normal weight, but we doubt it's good for people of normal physique to put on more fat," Kuriyama said.

Oh.. crap, so having a Twinkie party is not a way to better health?

Reasons you're still single... morning commute

You stop by McDonalds every morning for your Iced Coffee, Hashbrown square and a lifetime of obesity. And don't forget that double cheeseburgers are only $1.24, and you might as go with the lattes if you're going to do Iced Coffee. The Apple Pies are also very tasty.

Lady calls 911 because McDonalds out of McNuggets

How can you resist the power of chicken McNuggets? These little bundles of you are bite-sized and absolutely delicious to pop in your mouth. They have a strange, strange affect on people too - 

A woman called 911 after her local McDonalds had run out of McNuggets.

A medical emergency for sure.

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted, "I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report. That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system. Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, "this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency."

You know, I was at McDonalds the other night and the guy at the drive-thru told me that all transactions had to be cash because their system was down. Luckily I had a couple bucks in my wallet, otherwise I would have called 911 at one in the morning to resolve this issue - instead, I chowed down on fries and a double cheeseburger.

Now if you will excuse me, my office chair has apparently decided to adhere itself to my very large butt.

Golden Arches

I just saw a poll that said 60 percent of Americans are cutting down on Christmas gifts this year due to financial reasons. When a CNN anchor read that news, she called it a tragedy...

Wait, what? So little Johnny doesn't get a miniature Power Wheels Hummer to cruise around the block. Excuse me for being a little jaded, but the news that Americans are actually saving money is a bit promising. Maybe everyone wont be in thousands of dollars of debt after the Holiday season.

It seems that the ol' USA is taking on the recession with the same vigor and attitude of an old lady on life support.

Look at McDonalds, which has recorded a growth in sales...

How ironic is that? The much-maligned burger joint is taking in profits while everyone is either asking the government for money or just going under.

Why? Because people eat food. McDonalds provides food. It seems pretty cut and dry. Americans eat a lot of food and don't want to wait for it. If you put out a product people will eat and balance your books, you'll be fine.

As Jake from Just Southeast of Northwest said "McDonalds knows what theyre doing, remember Morgan Sperlock? Precisely, not many people do anymore."

And this is coming from the biggest college conservative hippie I know. Morgan Sperlock produced that anti-McDonalds documentary where he basically ate nothing but McDonalds for an entire month.

He, of course, had serious medical problems.

But you know what? If I ate just celery for a month straight I would probably have the same thing happen for me. Sperlock's argument is fundamentally flawed in the fact that humans need diversified diets.

McDonalds is just a small slice of that food selection, and they package it right and lots of people obviously eat there. That's how America works.

I know this guy...

So most normal people going through the drive thru that are high usually just order an absurd amount of food because they have the munchies. Or they mispronounce the menu items. Or they give the cashier four 100 dollar bills by mistake.

But they usually don't try to pay the cashier with pot.

VERO BEACH, Fla. - A McDonald's cashier called 911 after a Vero Beach drive-thru customer allegedly offered to pay for his meal with marijuana. The Indian River County Sheriff's Office said the cashier called Monday with a description of the vehicle the suspect had been riding in.

A deputy spotted the vehicle, found marijuana in the car and arrested its occupant, 27-year-old Shawn Alexander Pannullo.

Pannullo was charged with possession of cannabis and posted $500 bail. It was unclear if he had an attorney.

That last line cracks me up. I'm going to guess "no" on the attorney. You'd better be grateful if he shows up to his court date with pants on. I'm shocked not by the fact that the guy offered the cashier marijuana, but because the cashier didn't take it as payment. What is this world coming to if fast food workers aren't stoners?